Okay so I just found out I am pregnant and I mean just found out. Ten minutes ago I took the pregnancy test and those two little pink lines were staring back up at me. I didn’t want to find out about it in the bathroom so I took the test into my bedroom. The late afternoon sun was pouring in through the window as I read the results. The strange thing is I don’t know how I feel. I’m not upset. For the first few minutes I thought I was going to burst into tears. You know that feeling when you try to push your tears back down and they get stuck in your throat like a lump until you finally allow yourself to cry? It felt like that but when I let myself cry nothing came out. But on the flip side I’m not happy either and I don’t know if that is my reaction or my fear at the reaction he will have when I tell him or if I tell him.

I just wish I knew how he is going to react. I really want to go and tell him right now. I want to get in my car right this minute and go speak to him but then I’m scared of what he will say and how he will react. I just wish I knew.

One thing I am certain of is that I want to have this baby. I don’t know how I am going to do it. I’m majorly broke, I’m living with my best friend from high school and half of my stuff is still in storage but I’m going to figure this out. I think I will be good at this.

I remember thinking if I was ever in this situation the first thing I would want to do was go up to the country and talk to my sister. For some reason I always thought she would be the best person to talk to, the person who would understand the best and say the things I need to hear the most. I also want to talk to my other sister. She’s been in this situation and I think she would be the best person to offer some advice. I also need some people on my side when I tell mum and dad. I have no idea how they are going to react. Wait no I know exactly how mum is going to react. She will be shocked at first and slightly disappointed but eventually I know she will be happy and start telling everyone about it.

I guess my head is running at a million miles an hour with all these questions and wonderings and above all trying to figure out how this happened and what I am going to do. The most important thing though is to tell him. He needs some time at the moment because I spoke to him before I took the test and he was stressing out and a little tired and complaining about ‘boy stuff’ but the longer I leave it the worse I am going to make it. He needs to know first though. I’m going to go over tonight. I need to go over tonight.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I have no idea how it is going to turn out, but then maybe that is part of the fun of it… not knowing.