How am I feeling?

I have been asked this question so much in my life and answered it without really giving it  much thought, and let’s be honest, most of the time the person asking this question doesn’t really care how you feel they are just being polite or asking out of habit. Lately though I have had to ask myself how I am feeling and actually take the time to listen to what my mind, body and heart is telling me.

Ben and I have been through a lot in the past few days. There have been times where minutes seemed to span into decades where nothing seemed to ease the pain, where all I wanted was to open the door and run away until this situation we are in was a million miles away. There have also been times of happiness as we dream about the future and hope for a day when the pain will no longer be our defining feature. We have spent time together and time apart to come to terms with how ourselves and each other is dealing with the news that we won’t be parents just yet.

Today was a turning point. We attended the hospital again for confirmation that I had miscarried and were able to talk over the situation with a doctor and actually start on some sort of recovery. It was hard to be told once again that the pregnancy wasn’t viable but having had four days to come to terms with the news was actually starting to look like a blessing. I was still sad but no so overwhelmed that doctors and nurses voices were a blank murmur to the pain swelling up inside of me.

We are at home now. Ben is resting and I am slightly drugged up while waiting for the misoprostol to start to take effect. It is a strange sensation but no worse than bad period pain. I’m still waiting and not entirely sure how I will react once it starts to work and my uterus empties. It is a sad thought but then I am looking at the positive, that we can try again.

It is all hard but easy, sad but happy, draining but invigorating, and the end but also a new beginning. We have become a lot closer out of this situation and much more capable of coping through difficult situations together. We are recovering.

How am I feeling?

I’m not entirely sure yet but holding out for a future where I can answer quite confidently “good”.

Image by Dave77549 (Flickr)