Archive for May, 2010
I’m Bored
I’m bored with where I am and what I am doing with my life at the moment. My days are fairly predictable and the result is I am in a constant struggle with myself for what I want to do. I’m getting depressed quite easily and I can’t seem to find a way out of it. When I am in a good mood or when I actually take the time to look at what I am doing I realise that things aren’t as bad as they seem but very soon I start with the internal struggle again. I want to be doing something else I just don’t know what or how.
What am I doing?
I was at this point last year too. I was sick and tired of teaching and wanted to do something different. I found out about studying in Singapore and thought that I had solved my dilemma. The problem was that I hadn’t counted on homesickness or the overwhelming feeling I had that Singapore was too much too soon.
After I returned I floated around a lot. I was still confused and didn’t know what I was doing. Then I got pregnant and suddenly I had something to work towards again. Sure it was unexpected and completely unplanned, but it felt right. I had direction.
Now I feel like I am in the same position I was in at the start of last year. Teaching again, not completely fulfilled with what I am doing and looking for something “more”. My frustrations aren’t helping me to decide what direction to take next, instead I seem to be more consumed with focusing on my frustrations.
So how do I get rid of the frustration, decide what I want to do next and remain positive and happy? In a world of choices I have too many to decide on one. I need someone to point the way, but then I want to know where I am going. I feel like I am being torn into little pieces, between where I am and where all the possibilities of life can take me.
Image by SAMUEL TRIP (flikr)
Every now and then I like to think that I am really organized and try to make some sort of plan for my life, or at least the next little bit of my life. It looks like a really good idea on paper and I think I am super awesome for having figured out the secret to happy living but when I try to apply it to real life situations suddenly everything goes askew. I get so caught up in the first thing that goes wrong that I end up throwing the plan out the window completely and can’t move past the sense of failure.
Well that time has come again!
Post wedding I have decided to try and figure out some sort of plan again. I have made a budget of all my income and out-goings and was surprised to find I should actually have a fair bit of money left over at the end of each pay, whereas before I was desperately living from pay-check to pay-check. I have also made a list of things I would like to have achieved or at least be on the way to achieving by the end of the year, personal goals such as auditioning for a new show, finish writing one of my own shows, and paying off my astronomical personal loan.
There will be a lot of work involved, I’m not denying that. Some of my goals will take a little longer than others and some I know I will struggle to achieve but I am going to try something different this time around. I am not going to give up at the first sign of failure, I am going to look for the positive side of things. I am going to put everything I can into these goals. From the simple ones of riding to school everyday, to the difficult ones of putting on a full scale production, I am not going to give up at the first sign of difficulty. If I don’t believe in myself then how can I expect anyone else to. If this is what I want to do then I have to do it, no one else is going to do it for me.
As cliché as it sounds, I am going to think positively and believe in myself.
The results may not be that noticeable at first but even today I feel better for having got out of bed, stopped complaining about how much I hate school and got on with something productive.
Image by IvanClow (flickr)
So the honeymoon is over and Ben and I are on the plane on our way home. It has been quite a trip and we have both had a lot of time to unwind, relax and ask the question “Well, what next?”
We have both been looking to the future in one way or another, I don’t think it is any secret that we are both pretty restless in our lives at the moment occupation wise, but we can’t seem to figure out the next step.
I thought coming to Singapore would help me to put that part of my life behind me (I used to study performing arts in Singapore but dropped out rather unceremoniously after a month and a terrible bout of homesickness) but instead I am just as confused as ever. I have too many options and no direction.
So the honeymoon is over, now for the rest of my life to happen, if only I knew where to begin!
This honeymoon of ours has been quite an adventure. For Emma, returning to Singapore was more than a little emotionally loaded and for me, well I tend to get caught up in the “is this really worth that?” comparisons.
On the last night of our holiday, we found something so dreadful, so over priced and that it’s turned full circle into hilarity. Hotel 81 Rochor in Singapore is, without a doubt, the worst place we have stayed ever. Why, you ask?
The tiny room contains:
- a leather bound matress with latex sheets that don’t actually cover the matress if you tuck them in (we had to make the bed ourselves)
- The toilet has a shower over it – so to have a shower, you actually have to dodge the toilet bowl.
- The (two) windows are cut in half by the walls of the room and have been filled in with green glass, we can’t figure out how to open them – the view is probably spectacular.
- The pillows are covered with transparent disposable pillow covers – like interfacing fabric.
- And the entire floor seems to be washable tiles with a grip pattern.
It’s so bad it’s good; you know? We have survived the night in a hostile environment and it’s brought us closer together. Our desire to have a good time has won the day.
I think this is a really good result for our relationship!
Okay, maybe I have been a little annoyed with how some (unplanned) things have turned out.
But at least we know for sure that we are never doing the resort thing again for as long as possible. Blurk! to your canned music and over-priced “activites” designed to give us the minimum level of excitement for which we have to pay extra for!
I want my beach shack!
Oh how I thought this was going to be a good idea only to self-sabotage it into some silly mid-adventure.
Time to snap out of it!
