Two of my friend’s have had babies in the last week and another has told me that he is expecting his first in six months time. This should be the happiest news in the world but with each announcement I have been completely floored.

The first thing that has crept into my mind with each announcement has been something negative. With the arrival of Ella last week I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong now that she is here. Again today at the arrival of Tate, all I could do was pray that he is okay and will make his parents so happy. When I heard about the pregnancy, running through my head was all the events that unfolded in our twelfth week, and a prayer that they don’t experience the same thing.

Why?

Why am I doing this?

Why are these thoughts overtaking me?

Why aren’t I or can’t I do anything to stop them?

The worst thing is that I am honestly happy for these new parents but am finding the sincerity from me lacking. Looking at the baby photos, reading about what they are going through and seeing the looks on their faces all I want to do is be 100% happy but I am finding it so difficult.

When will the hurt go away? Will it ever go away?

I feel ridiculous being unhappy after so many months, like I am unjustified somehow in feeling this way. Part of me feels like I should have let go already while another part almost knows I will never completely let go.

Image by Luke Edmonds of his first baby boy Tate