Archive for May, 2010
Cranky Bum Ben
Well here we are on our romantic holiday and ben has turned into captain grumpy pants. It turns out that a beautiful resort, nice food, lounging by the pool and just generally doing nothing is not mixing well with my new husband. He’s more of a get out and do something different from the crowd kind of guy, it’s actually kind of cute to see him this frustrated at the thought of doing nothing.
Oh the luxury of it all!
Not that he has been all grumpy just occasionally having a battle with himself and how he is feeling. I guess next time we will keep our holiday plans away from the big resorts and the gawdy American tourists that seem to fill them.
In the meantime the four shot cocktails seem to be improving his spirits!
It’s all done and dusted. We’re hitched. We’ve flown the coup. We, the undersigned, are in this together.
The wedding, photos and reception were fantastic fun – you should have been there. The conversation; the speeches; the dancing; the bride; the groom; the guests; all perfect.
And now, sitting in a donut shop under a staircase in a shopping mall in Singapore, we are falling asleep.
Perfect :-)
This is my Now. What’s yours?
I have been under a lot of stress lately. There has been general unhappiness at work, the wedding, and every day life all piling up on one another and I am not coping that well. About four weeks ago little spots started appearing. First of all I had one on my face. I went to the chemist assuming it was ring worm (I do live with two cats after all), got some cream from the chemist and thought nothing more of it.
Over the next few days a couple more started appearing on my neck, this was actually funny because they resembled hickeys and I work in a highschool (for the record I haven’t had a hickey since uni). As you can imagine not many people were willing to believe that it wasn’t a hickey, so instead I suddenly felt cold enough to start wearing scarfs to school again.
Then they spread, from a couple of marks to now hundreds all over my chest, stomach, neck, legs, arms and back. I look like I have contracted plague and they are so incredibly itchy. All the doctors can tell me is it is:
- Not contagious
- Will go away in about six weeks on its own
- Is caused by stress…”Do you have anything to be stressed about at the moment?”
It sucks! So on the wedding day the spots that aren’t hidden by my dress will be covered with a good layer of make-up.
Wouldn’t you know it, I have had these spots once before in my life. Right before my year 12 ball when I also had to leave on an athletics team trip on the same night (okay so maybe I was a little bit stressed out then too). My theory is I’m just allergic to wearing expensive dresses, that, or looking pretty!
Image by Emma (my spotty belly and back!!!)
Two of my friend’s have had babies in the last week and another has told me that he is expecting his first in six months time. This should be the happiest news in the world but with each announcement I have been completely floored.
The first thing that has crept into my mind with each announcement has been something negative. With the arrival of Ella last week I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong now that she is here. Again today at the arrival of Tate, all I could do was pray that he is okay and will make his parents so happy. When I heard about the pregnancy, running through my head was all the events that unfolded in our twelfth week, and a prayer that they don’t experience the same thing.
Why?
Why am I doing this?
Why are these thoughts overtaking me?
Why aren’t I or can’t I do anything to stop them?
The worst thing is that I am honestly happy for these new parents but am finding the sincerity from me lacking. Looking at the baby photos, reading about what they are going through and seeing the looks on their faces all I want to do is be 100% happy but I am finding it so difficult.
When will the hurt go away? Will it ever go away?
I feel ridiculous being unhappy after so many months, like I am unjustified somehow in feeling this way. Part of me feels like I should have let go already while another part almost knows I will never completely let go.
Image by Luke Edmonds of his first baby boy Tate
Today was another one of those days. I feel fed up at work. I want to be doing something else, the problem is I don’t know what. I don’t want to work just to pay the bills and at the moment I feel like that is all I am doing. I’m impatient. I want things to change now and I know that they won’t. These things take time.
Why am I always so frustrated with myself and what I am doing? Do I expect more to have happened to me by now? I haven’t exactly had a dull life but then I haven’t really had an overly exciting one either.
Maybe I just whinge too much.
