Have you ever been so excited about something but it wasn’t definite so you didn’t want to get too carried away but inevitably you do? I have many times in my life.

There was the time when I was ten years old and I had begged and begged and begged my mum and dad to get my “The Grape Escape” board game for Christmas. I believed I had dropped enough hints about wanting it and then two weeks before Christmas a board game sized box appeared under the Christmas tree that I couldn’t help but wish and hope and dream. You can imagine my disappointment when Christmas day rolled around and I opened the wrapping to reveal the “Wheel of Fortune” board game.

Then there was the news of the baby. From the moment I saw those two little red lines on the pregnancy test I was over the moon with excitement. There wasn’t a moment where I wasn’t thinking about baby names, or savings money for baby things, or examining my belly for any sign of it getting bigger. I made plans and dreamed huge dreams for my little family. That all came crashing down on New Year’s Eve.

Now I am excited again. Last week Ben and I went to Sydney. I was so scared about the real reason we went that I told everyone that we were just going on a holiday. The real reason though was that I was auditioning for Universal Studios Singapore to work as a Singer and Dancer. The reason I was so scared was that I have been to big casting call auditions before and have never gotten further than the second round. I also have very little confidence in my singing and dancing ability since stopping any formal training in both things nearly a year ago. I didn’t want to get too excited in case everything didn’t go too well and then I would have to share my disappointment with everyone. I was much happier knowing only Ben and I knew and felt a lot less under pressure.

The exciting news is, that I was successful (and in a nice little twist of fate it all occurred on T-Rex’s due date). I haven’t been offered a job as yet but I am close. I am up to what they call “on-boarding” which basically means that once they have finished with the audition tour they will go to those who have been on-boarded and give out jobs. It does still mean however that I may miss out, which sucks!

I am so excited about the prospect of working in Singapore in a field I love that I can’t stop imagining all the things that would change in my life, but then when I get too excited a little voice kicks in saying “Remember you don’t have the job yet! You could be stuck teaching forever!”

Why does this negativity overtake me all the time? I can be over the moon excited and then that voice sends me into such a depressing cycle downwards that I struggle to not let it take over too much. My experiences in the past niggle in the back of my mind, reminding me of how horrible a feeling it can be to come crashing down but then I still had that joy waiting and dreaming.

I am enjoying this feeling of excitement, but I want it to last this time. I find out at the end of August. I just want to get that phone call saying that I am on my way to a new life.

Image by Prayitno (flikr)