Archive for August, 2010
No Go Singapore
Well August has now been and gone and there was no phone call from Universal Studios to say that I had a job as a performer. I would be lying if I didn’t say I was upset by this. I was incredibly upset. There has been massive mood swings from me over the past few weeks, I have honestly been quite unbearable and I love Ben even more (if that is possible) for putting up with me when I am sure no one else would. Every day when the phone had not rung I would get depressed. I would be optimistic in the morning that “Today will be the day”, but by the afternoon that optimism will have changed to incredible darkness and depression. It was hard and now it is kind of relieving to know that there is some closure to it all, even if it isn’t the result I dreamed of.
So on to the next plan. I sent off an application for AIM (Australian Institute of Music) to study Musical Theatre. I even got back into my singing practice yesterday driving my neighbours nuts with voice exercises and varying performances of “Much More” and “Far From the Home I Love”.
In addition to auditioning for different courses I am working on my singing so I can finally record some performances and put my singing up on YouTube for everyone to see. Most of my friends have never heard me sing, or have only heard me at brief intervals usually after a night karaoke and cocktails. I also want to get fit and record some dance performances but that is a little further off. I want to get the singing done by the end of November at least.
This has been difficult but I feel stronger and more determined because of it. The last few weeks I have been unable to see any life beyond Universal. I was convinced that it was my only way out, now I can see a future beyond this and I am determined to succeed.
Well! Date Night was a great success after a patchy launch.
Possibly I should have not invited other people along at the last minute, that’s true, but without their presence we would not have ended up watching “So, you think you can strip?” (The first amateur male stripping competition in Perth) at the end of the night.
Details huh?
Okay, here’s a quick synopsis of the night:
Ben and Emma race home from work early, but traffic is insane and it takes Emma 1.5 hours to make it back (three times the usual). Ben tells Emma that they will be joined at dinner by a work mate and her “man bag” friend, who is gay, but that’s okay. Emma is secretly upset by this but gets ready anyway. Ben thinks things are going great. It’s time to leave (+5 minutes) and Ben is made aware that Dates don’t involve other people, but he recovers gracefully and our intrepid couple makes it to the restaurant before the other pair.
Dinner goes swimmingly, largely helped along by two bottles of very nice wine and a single glass of real, actually french, champagne. The food was fantastic as well, but they run out of time to try dessert. Dessert is reprised at another establishment, to great applause and general frivolity, until finally the group moves on to the nightclub. Almost. There is a quick dash back home to get a passport because a wallet was left at work, during which the young married couple discusses marriage and how much fun it is to be leaving early while the single folk stay on at the (probably) raging club.
They make it back in time to catch the judging of the first round of stripper hopefuls, drinks are appropriated and the show continues. There are terrible, terrible strip shows and some good ones, but generally it was great fun. Especially the part where one of the contestants, desperate for applause and probably drunk on all the screaming females, “accidentally” get’s his junk out and prances about the stage like he’s hung like a horse. He is not. No matter though, the crowd goes nuts anyway, possibly to make up for his.
The professional strippers who are promoting the show put on one of their own on. They are, of course, significantly better than any of the contestants. Judges announce the winner and our married couple, having had a nice dinner; fun conversations; and oddball (literally) entertainment, call it a night.
Perhaps we aren’t so “old” after all.
I’m excited! Tonight is the first Friday night in months that both Ben and I have been free from the responsibilities of work, singing concerts, rehearsals, other friends, another play I have to adjudicate or one of a myriad of other reasons why we can’t spend the night together.
We keep every Tuesday night relatively free as our movie night but having a Friday night free is something different. There is that nice feeling that we don’t have to get up in the morning and face the responsibilities of another day at work. It is a nice feeling that we are going to go on a “date” again.
It is what is keeping me smiling today. Can’t wait until tonight!
Last night Ben and I sat down and had a discussion about what we will do with our lives, and mainly my life, if I don’t get this contract in Singapore. With six days left until ‘the end of August’ has been and gone and the very real possibility that the jobs have already been assigned and I am one of the unlucky few who have to come to terms with missing out, we need a back up plan.
Sure it has been great thinking that all of our problems are going to be solved by one phone call from Singapore but what if that phone call never comes? What do we do then?
We made a list of what is important and what goals I have in regards to becoming a better singer and dancer and the possibility of making a career out of it all and we came to the following general plan.
- I want to study singing and dancing more. The last two years I have been very lazy in my study and as a result I haven’t really improved very much and in the case of dancing I have put on weight, lost a lot of flexibility and lost some skills that I used to find easy. What that means in real terms is I need to find somewhere and something to study so after scouring numerous course and finding ones that offer some of what I want, I am going to apply for BAPA (musical theatre), WAAPA (classical), WAAPA (musical theatre), and AIM (musical theatre).
- I need to stay at Kolbe till the end of the year which means I have to suck up the fact that I hate it here and deal with it. Unless I have another job to go to, this is my only opportunity to save some money for what is going to be a difficult year next year.
- Work more on my writing and start to produce some of the things I have written into some form other than just keeping it all to myself. Sure this opens me up to the potential for ridicule but until I try, I will only have failed.
- Stop looking just at what is going wrong and start to focus on what is going right. I actually have a lot of joy and happiness in my life I just get bogged down in petty crap.
I’m not pretending that I am not upset about missing out on this contract. It would have been a dream come true and would have made so many things simpler. I cried and cried last night when I thought of all that I had lost, but it is time to move on. I can sit here and mope about it or I can do something now. I can have something to look forward to again and besides this means that I can still play Hodel in “Fiddler on the Roof” at the end of the year and that is something I am looking forward to!
Ben pointed something out to me the other day that I hadn’t noticed, at least not for a long time. In amongst all my troubles with school, feelings of not belonging and general stress about what the future is going to bring, I have still been able to be so exited and happy that I can’t sit still. These moments don’t happen very often but they can be pin pointed to times when I have either just finished singing at the theater, after a rehearsal for Fiddler on the Roof or when I am listening to Britney at home.
The things that make me happiest are all linked to my love of theater, performing and music, but then how do I bring this happiness out so it isn’t so sporadic? I miss being happy. The kind of happy I remember from being a kid. Where school was exiting and playing outside in the sun or the rain was joyful.
Have I just gotten old?
Have I forgotten how to be happy?
Have I forgotten how to play?
or Have I decided that these things aren’t as important as the responsibilities I now have as an adult?
Yesterday I spoke to Ben about these ponderings and together we have decided that it is time that we did something about our future together. We love the time we spend together but we are fairly unsatisfied with the other parts of our lives. I want to feel happy again. I want to feel that what I am doing with my life is fulfilling and exciting.
Image by WarzauWynn (Flickr)
