These last few weeks have been hard. I have been sick, I have had major issues at school, I am anxious and stressed. It all exploded not last Tuesday but the one before when after getting spots (like I had before the wedding) I then had a break down at school. The last post I made on here was a whinge about how I had been effectively kicked out of the English department and as a result I was starting to feel less and less like I belong.

I guess I have always felt like I belonged. I have gone through school, work, social clubs, friendship groups, always feeling like I had a place there. The first time I really felt like I didn’t belong was last year when I went to Singapore. Now that feeling is back. I don’t really fit in at school and I guess the whole kicking out of the English department has further cemented that feeling. Last week I missed three days of school to “stress leave” and am now only just starting to feel comfortable at school again.

I am also attributing some of the stress to the anxious waiting about Singapore. For the past two weeks I have been able to console myself with the thought that it was only early August so I wouldn’t know about the job yet, but as of two days ago I have been able to say that “Okay, now it actually is getting into late August. Why haven’t they called yet?”. Every day that goes past adds more to my increasing anxiety that maybe I wasn’t as good as I thought I was at the audition and the jobs have already been handed out and I don’t even know it yet. It is made even worse by the thought that I will be the first one to know if I do have the job whereas Ben will be the first to know if I don’t because he is the only one who has any contacts with other auditionees. It sucks.

So sickness, stress and anxiety and making for a very difficult time for me at the moment. At least I have Fiddler on the Roof rehearsals to keep my mind off things and keep me smiling.

Image by Jenser (Flikr)