Archive for September, 2010
Poem – The Awakening
I came across this poem while travelling the intertubes today and, after a bunch of searching about the place, I have realised that a) it’s not the original version and b) the women who wrote it, Sonny Carroll, has, in the last 10 years or so, had various domain names which she has allowed to lapse and remains reasonably googlically mysterious – aside from writing some very nice poetry that seems to have been treated like the recipe for beer (I love what you have done here, but I think my version is better).
In the spirit of partially continuing this tradition, I will post this without permission while seeking the same. Ms. Carroll, if you are still out there, can I please put this up here? I assume you wrote it originally and, for what it’s worth, it’s a beautiful description of something many of us might come to experience.
The Awakening – (by Sonny Carroll)
A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
I found it here, but it’s also here, there and everywhere.
I teach a class of boys who I affectionately call my gum nuts, named after Gum nut Cottage in the mockumentary “Summer Heights High”. They are nice boys on the whole but mainstream schooling does not sit well with them. Every school has these kinds of students. They are usually labeled as trouble makers, lazy, incompetent, criminal or a waste of time, and on first inspection that is exactly what they seem to be.
For the first two terms of this year these boys were a burden. They have tired me out and exhausted me. I have planned brilliant lessons which other classes would thoroughly enjoy but this class would take these lessons and destroy them. They wouldn’t listen to directions, they would talk back, in some lessons they wouldn’t even sit in their chairs. It was tiring and I had had enough.
This term I decided to take a different approach. I talked to them. I listened to their stories no matter how idiotic they were. I didn’t judge them but rather offered suggestions on how they could improve their situations. I laughed at things when they expected laughter. I didn’t berate them or talk down to them. I treated them as equals and as a result they treated me as an equal too, instead of the enemy.
In return they completed their school work.
Yesterday was a break through with these boys. They have spoken to me before about things that have been going on but yesterday there was real trust. They told me about what they were hoping to do with their futures and it was fascinating to listen to. For one boy he was leaving yesterday as he had been accepted into an apprenticeship position and he shared his happiness with me. They were also in a bit of trouble with one of their teachers because she believed they were responsible for stealing a key which unlocks the schools laptops. They were frustrated at the fact that they are always the first ones to be blamed.
I guess the point to all this is that I have changed by knowing these boys and I would like to think that they have changed because of me. They have never had an adult listen to them and see them for something more than delinquents, and I have never really taken the time to get to know students this way.
These boys are the reason I am staying.
I like my washing machine; I remember being very happy with it when I originally bought it, many years ago. I even thought it was a nice bit of kit when I lent it to Mum for a while because I didn’t need it. I’ve had it for a long time now and it’s done it’s job very well, but there is a problem.
You see our laundry doubles as the bathroom; the toilet is directly opposite the washing machine. I’ve spent a lot of time gazing at that washing machine, probably more than any other appliance in the house I suspect, and I have finally come to realise something this morning.
I don’t like stickers, especially stickers that aren’t on straight, and the only thing worse than stickers that aren’t on straight is left over bits of sticker, from when they weren’t removed properly the first time. It gets to me, it’s been getting to me every time I’ve sat here and looked at this washing machine and it’s badly removed stickers.
And then I did something completely different. I put some Windex on it and cleaned it off.
Five years! For 5 years I have sat there, having that thought again; and again; and again; and I never did anything about it. It took me 5 minutes to sort it out and then I admired how nice and clean it looked.
It’s moments like these that help me realise just how much I’m not doing to help myself! I wonder what else I am procrastinating on?
Here I am, perched on the Water Throne, with a cat curled up at my feet, determinedly Being Asleep because I didn’t move somewhere else soon enough.
I was reading (now I’m blogging) interesting things on the Internet.
Two thing occur to me:
- He’s absolutely right; things are great right here, right now; and
- Why didn’t I bring the iPhone, so I can take a picture/video?
It’s going to be a good day, I can tell!
One thing that irks me quite a bit is when I go into a public toilet and there are little pieces of toilet paper on the ground. How the hell do they get there? Do people just pull random bits of toilet paper off the roll and throw them there? How lazy is it to put it in the bin or in the toilet thus keeping the toilet tidy?
I couldn’t understand it at all, until today. I caught myself in the act of doing the exact thing I hated. I pulled the toilet paper out of the roll and the roll got stuck causing only the tiniest piece to tear off. I then proceeded to drop this piece on the floor before trying again.
How often do we do things unconsciously? Especially things that we don’t want to do, or that we don’t like doing, or even completely irks us when other people do it? How often do I do it myself?
Every now and again I know I at least need to wake up and pay attention to what I am doing because I am constantly guilty of this. I say I don’t want to do something then continue down that path.
I need to pay attention to what I am doing with the toilet roll before I turn the whole room into a waste paper basket. I ned to pay attention to what I am doing in my life before I turn my whole life into a mess I don’t want to live through.
Image by Urban Woodswalker (flickr)
