Author Archive
Hazel you are my Hero
I feel old. I know I’m not but I definitely feel it. I’m 28 years old and I am starting university today. I am going to be surrounded by 17 and 18 year olds who are going to University for the first time. Some of them will probably be in my course. That is a ten-year difference and for some stupid reason it makes me feel like I am too old to be going after my dream and studying singing.
I also feel old because my friends are suddenly going through that stage of getting married and having kids. I’m married but kids are a few years off for me, or at least I think so. There are other things I want and need to do before I can effectively dedicate my time to a tiny human being. A part of me though is aware that if I want to have children this is probably the best time for it. If I wait too long I will simply be too old.
It’s ridiculous I know, but there is no denying the feeling is there. I look back on some of the choices I have made in my life and wish I had taken a different path. Then there is that voice that reminds me that if I hadn’t made those choices I wouldn’t have done some wonderful things, like met and married Ben.
Then there is Hazel. She is a 70 something year old who just graduated from university. I wonder if she felt silly or old when she was studying alongside these young kids. I’m sure that in her eyes I too would come under that classification.
Maybe I’m just making excuses to try to get out of actually doing something I want to be doing. My brain does some incredibly stupid things to me some days.
In the meantime I need to just focus on Hazel and realise that just like her age isn’t a barrier if this is really want I want to do, and if I ask myself honestly I know that this is what I want to do.
Okay so I guess I have to explain the last post a little bit because my current state of being has obviously been affecting Ben, more than I originally intended or thought. I have been going a little bit nuts lately. I had to make a decision at the start of the year to either go back to university and study music or continue on working as a school teacher and leading the life that the majority of people choose because it is “easier”. I chose to go back to university and it honestly has been the best decision I have ever made. I love every day of it!
Over the last few weeks I have had to make another decision and that was whether to continue in my studies. The course I am currently enrolled in finishes at the end of this year. If I want to continue I would have to audition for the Bachelor of Music course. Last week I made the decision and sent off my application pack, so far so good…or so I thought.
I have been surrounded by babies lately. Two friends have new borns, my sister has just announced she is pregnant again, another two friends are pregnant and then I worked at the baby expo where every second person was pregnant. It is overloading my small circuitry! I really really really want to have a baby but I have made this commitment to study. Some days it is just harder than other to convince myself that I have made the right decision.
Add on top of that this constant feeling that I have left the whole university thing too late. The average age for people in the course is 19 / 20. I am 27. Now I know that isn’t old but when you think it in terms of most people would be finishing their masters by my age and going out there to get their first big job, I am well behind the 8 ball. I also have trouble keeping up in my theory classes due mostly to the fact that I haven’t been studying music since I was a kid. It is a bit much some days.
To try to combat this a little I have been over commiting myself to work also. I spent the majority of the past week working and have had very little time to spend with Ben. On one hand I think I need the money to get by but really I don’t and spending time with Ben is much more important. I just feel slightly responsible for getting myself back in the black financially after all it was my idea to go to Europe.
So there it is. Blah! My thought patterns on a page at the moment. I guess I need to lay off Ben for a little while. Accept my decisions and learn to live with them because I honestly believe I have made the right choice and the future is going to be brilliant!
The last few weeks Ben and I have been pushing ourselves a little too hard. Currently I am performing in a production of “Fiddler on the Roof”, while also choreographing the musical “Nine”. Ben has been coming along to “Nine” rehearsals to help out and this has often resulted in him helping out on nights when I am not there too. What this has added up to is two very tired people.
It is production week this week for both shows, they both had their preview tonight and they both open on Friday. As you can imagine there have been a lot of last minute rehearsals happening in a desperate attempt to get things ‘perfect’. This week alone we have been to one rehearsal or the other (or in the case of Sunday both) every day. It has gotten to the point now though when we need to stop. The exhaustion has set in. It is time for a break.
I think the worse thing in all this is that Ben and I don’t seem to be spending as much time together as we usually do. We have also taken to sleeping in separate beds because we seem to get better sleep when there isn’t another body in the bed, and with sleep eluding us we will take what we can get. It isn’t ideal but it works.
I miss waking up and having our slow sleepy mornings together, sharing breakfast together and talking about the day.
I miss coming home at night and spending time unwinding, listening to music, going to the movies or watching a video.
Most of all I miss Ben. We don’t haven’t seen each other much the last two weeks. Hopefully once the shows open we can get back to being awesome together. Because we are pretty damn awesome.
While wandering the internet I came across this (emphasis mine).
You can’t have a good day, you need to make it a good day.
Sometimes, when it seems like everything is going wrong, it takes a little more energy to notice the good things. I have learned that, with practise, it get’s easier and easier to do. The trick is to get started early, when things aren’t going “wrong”.
When you realise you are having a good day, practise making it better. Notice that you are doing so; notice your self into a good habit. Then, when a day isn’t working out so well, you have the tools to make it better.
Do so.
Two of my friend’s have had babies in the last week and another has told me that he is expecting his first in six months time. This should be the happiest news in the world but with each announcement I have been completely floored.
The first thing that has crept into my mind with each announcement has been something negative. With the arrival of Ella last week I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong now that she is here. Again today at the arrival of Tate, all I could do was pray that he is okay and will make his parents so happy. When I heard about the pregnancy, running through my head was all the events that unfolded in our twelfth week, and a prayer that they don’t experience the same thing.
Why?
Why am I doing this?
Why are these thoughts overtaking me?
Why aren’t I or can’t I do anything to stop them?
The worst thing is that I am honestly happy for these new parents but am finding the sincerity from me lacking. Looking at the baby photos, reading about what they are going through and seeing the looks on their faces all I want to do is be 100% happy but I am finding it so difficult.
When will the hurt go away? Will it ever go away?
I feel ridiculous being unhappy after so many months, like I am unjustified somehow in feeling this way. Part of me feels like I should have let go already while another part almost knows I will never completely let go.
Image by Luke Edmonds of his first baby boy Tate
