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A change of heart
I logged on today with the intention of writing a post about how confused I am about what I am doing with my life and my singing. This honestly has been plaguing me to no end since I got back from holidays. Before I started writing though I went back and read my post about intentions for this year and realised I had nothing to worry about. I knew where I wanted to be going and what I wanted to be doing. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t know what I was doing but that I was scared of what possibilities may come out them. I was being lazy about starting because fear was holding me back.
I want to sing.
I want to study.
I want to have a life this year.
I need to keep the small things in mind and not be scared to start on my huge scary and ultimately exciting new life. This year is going to be amazing. I have made that decision, now I need to put it into action!
Last year Ben wrote a post which looked at the year that had gone by. It was a good opportunity to look back on the year, our achievements and our expectations for the coming year.
So this year I would like to write my own review:
The high-lights
- Survived being married for a whole year and a bit!
- Completed and passed WAAPA to an amazing standard
- Ben and I worked together on our first musical (I was in it and he worked the lights)
- Travelled to France and Switzerland, and survived!
Other successes
- Continued to save money by watching my spending (saved enough to spoil Ben with a trip to Japan for his birthday)
- Housing arrangements (Somehow we still have the two houses despite me only working casually)
- Made our first friends as a couple (Nicole and Stephen you are amazing!)
- Conversations on the increase (arguments are on the decline – still)
- I made some new friends and removed lots of the negativity from my life (Year of Happiness!)
- Started working for two new companies with varying results but on the whole very satisfied with my work arrangements
Stuff we hope to learn something from
- It is okay to change the plans
- Family is great.
- If you work hard it will always pay off in some form
Unmentionable things like
- Emma has now finished University and now has to take herself seriously as a singer
- Ben still works for a company that doesn’t deserve him
Well the silly season has ended and it is a new year, well it has been for over a week now but this is the first time I have had the motivation to write on here! A new year means new opportunities, new experiences and new expectations for the year. About this time last year I wrote out my expectations for the year. It was a list of things I wanted to achieve, not New Year’s resolutions more intentions. Things that I intend to do because I want to do them not because I feel on some level that I should. So the time has come to have some new expectations for myself for the year 2012.
Work on my singing and treat myself as a professional singer.
What does this mean?
It means I have to put in the effort if I want to turn out to be a successful singer of any kind. That means I will have to practice every day and practice in a meaningful way.
What will it look like?
Every day you will see me practising my singing. I will also work on my music theory and keyboard skills so I can improve as a musician. It will also mean that I will be working professionally as a singer. This year I will get my first professional contract.
Continue to work on my language studies, with a bit more focus than in the past.
What does this mean?
In the past I have gone to my French lessons and completed the bare minimum to stay up with the class. This year I want to study harder. I want to become more proficient as a speaker of French. I would also like to start Italian lessons during the year.
What will it look like?
Every day I will complete activities in French. I will also continue to attend classes at the Alliance Francais. If I have the opportunity to interact with French speakers I will speak French to them and not resort to English first.
Save money for the future, whether that be babies, moving house, travel or singing expenses.
What does this mean?
I would like to build up a small amount of money so that if we want to go travelling or I need to go to Melbourne for an audition than I don’t have to worry about it. I would also like to have some money saved to help support us in the event that we finally start having babies.
What will it look like?
I have opened a new account specifically for saving. It rewards me with extra interest each month that I don’t take money out but I do deposit money. I am going to aim to deposit $100 every Friday morning into the account.
Look after my body.
What does this mean?
I don’t always do the best things for my body. I eat junk including a lot of sugar. I would like to improve my health through watching what I eat. I would also like to lose some of my unwanted weight, some of which will be lost through change of diet the rest I hope to lose through exercising more efficiently.
What will it look like?
You will see me eating healthier food and exercising. I am going to try and follow the diet Ben went on last year. It wasn’t really a diet but more a change in the food I eat and when. It isn’t a difficult thing to follow if I truly want to look after my body.
Travel more.
What does this mean?
Without a doubt one of the best parts of 2011 was travelling with Ben to France. This year we already have a trip planned for Bali at the end of January and a trip to Japan for around April / May. I would love to travel as much as possible with Ben this year and maybe even by myself.
What will it look like?
I would love to do another big trip this year with Ben in addition to the two short trips of Bali and Japan. I will need to save money and look out for flight specials but I would hope that at the end of this year Ben and I will be experiencing our third trip of the year.
Spend meaningful time with Ben.
What does this mean?
Ben and I spend a lot of time together but I want to spend more meaningful time with Ben. I want to do things that are active and leave us both feeling better for it.
What will it look like?
We will continue to do the things we already do together like eating our meals together and watching silly shows on iView but we will also spend time out of the house, spending time with friends and family. Being kind to each other and enjoying each other’s company.
I had a singing lesson today and I feel just as lost as I did two days ago. What am I doing? I feel like I am pinning all my hopes of a career as a singer on this one audition. Ben is telling me to be positive, focus on the audition and do the best I can. To an extent that is exactly what I am doing but where do I draw the line between believing in myself and my abilities and over committing to the one idea? This isn’t a sure thing. I might not get in. I’m not being negative, I’m being realistic. What is the back-up plan?
I feel as if I have no direction, no safety net, no plan, no idea of anything! I’m really confused about everything. The worst part is I can’t really talk to Ben about it. Every time I say that I am worried he just says “Don’t be! There is nothing to worry about.” If I say “But what if I don’t get in?” He immediately jumps to the conclusion that I have given up already and I have resorted to a mindset of negativity. I honestly haven’t but I am not going to sit naively thinking that everything in my future is laid out nicely because it’s not. There is a very real possibility that I won’t get in just as much as there is a real possibility that I will get in.
I’ve lost my stability is the problem. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a course I’m studying and I don’t have anything on the horizon except an audition that may or may not go ahead. This sucks. I feel happy one moment and very confused and lost the next.
I need patience….and a plan.
It is hot.
I’m tired.
I can’t get to sleep.
It is one of those nights when no matter how much I want to go to sleep, it seems to be the only thing my body won’t let me do. I just can’t get my mind to shut off. I am worried about the future now, and worry does nothing, well nothing but keep you awake that is. I keep thinking over and over again about how unclear the road ahead is. A few short weeks ago everything seemed so sure. I would finish my course this year, enjoy my summer break working, travelling and singing, then next year I would start studying for my Bachelor of Music. It was all so simple right?
Then everything changed…
I’m not unhappy about this at all. It is fantastic that instead of having to wait for three years to start my career as a singer I can start right away. I am just a little overwhelmed with the idea. I also can’t stop with the questions:
- What if the audition for the state opera is successful?
- When do rehearsals start?
- How much would I get paid?
- What is the time commitment?
- Would I just have singing lessons at university or would I do other classes instead?
- What if the audition for the state opera isn’t successful?
- Do I then just enrol in the course?
- Do I try a different route?
- Do I find an agent?
- What do I do with my time?
Heck! I don’t even know when the audition would be! It is all very confusing. I think it is all happening tonight because 1) I had a good day today and my mind can’t cope with that idea 2) Tomorrow would have been my audition for another university which I have now decided not to attend because of the decision made at my performance exam, despite having paid $190 for the audition application (which I am a little annoyed about now) and 3) I really really want a clearer idea of what I am doing and where I am going (which is next to impossible for performing).
I’m hoping now that I have written this down I can at least get some sleep. In the morning I realise I will look at this post and realise how silly I was being. In the meantime…Goodnight!
Image by geodesic (flickr)
