Posts from ‘learning’
2011: Year in review
Last year Ben wrote a post which looked at the year that had gone by. It was a good opportunity to look back on the year, our achievements and our expectations for the coming year.
So this year I would like to write my own review:
The high-lights
- Survived being married for a whole year and a bit!
- Completed and passed WAAPA to an amazing standard
- Ben and I worked together on our first musical (I was in it and he worked the lights)
- Travelled to France and Switzerland, and survived!
Other successes
- Continued to save money by watching my spending (saved enough to spoil Ben with a trip to Japan for his birthday)
- Housing arrangements (Somehow we still have the two houses despite me only working casually)
- Made our first friends as a couple (Nicole and Stephen you are amazing!)
- Conversations on the increase (arguments are on the decline – still)
- I made some new friends and removed lots of the negativity from my life (Year of Happiness!)
- Started working for two new companies with varying results but on the whole very satisfied with my work arrangements
Stuff we hope to learn something from
- It is okay to change the plans
- Family is great.
- If you work hard it will always pay off in some form
Unmentionable things like
- Emma has now finished University and now has to take herself seriously as a singer
- Ben still works for a company that doesn’t deserve him
It is hot.
I’m tired.
I can’t get to sleep.
It is one of those nights when no matter how much I want to go to sleep, it seems to be the only thing my body won’t let me do. I just can’t get my mind to shut off. I am worried about the future now, and worry does nothing, well nothing but keep you awake that is. I keep thinking over and over again about how unclear the road ahead is. A few short weeks ago everything seemed so sure. I would finish my course this year, enjoy my summer break working, travelling and singing, then next year I would start studying for my Bachelor of Music. It was all so simple right?
Then everything changed…
I’m not unhappy about this at all. It is fantastic that instead of having to wait for three years to start my career as a singer I can start right away. I am just a little overwhelmed with the idea. I also can’t stop with the questions:
- What if the audition for the state opera is successful?
- When do rehearsals start?
- How much would I get paid?
- What is the time commitment?
- Would I just have singing lessons at university or would I do other classes instead?
- What if the audition for the state opera isn’t successful?
- Do I then just enrol in the course?
- Do I try a different route?
- Do I find an agent?
- What do I do with my time?
Heck! I don’t even know when the audition would be! It is all very confusing. I think it is all happening tonight because 1) I had a good day today and my mind can’t cope with that idea 2) Tomorrow would have been my audition for another university which I have now decided not to attend because of the decision made at my performance exam, despite having paid $190 for the audition application (which I am a little annoyed about now) and 3) I really really want a clearer idea of what I am doing and where I am going (which is next to impossible for performing).
I’m hoping now that I have written this down I can at least get some sleep. In the morning I realise I will look at this post and realise how silly I was being. In the meantime…Goodnight!
Image by geodesic (flickr)
I didn’t get in.
I waited until Ben got home at about 2:30 in the afternoon before I opened the letter. We both sat in the lounge room and decided that it would probably be better for my sanity if I opened the letter right away than spend the next five days wondering what is inside, especially as more and more notices were appearing on facebook of people in my course who had been accepted in the Bachelor of Music.
I opened it and read the first line. The tone wasn’t right. It wasn’t uplifting or exciting. I knew right away what I was holding, it was a rejection letter. A cold, emotionless rejection letter. There was no reason for me not being offered a place, no explanation of why they hadn’t said yes, just a paragraph and a half thanking me for my audition and the line “we are not able to offer you a place in this program at the current time”. I looked at the letter. I looked at Ben. I looked at the letter again and then burst into tears. I was crushed.
I couldn’t understand it. I had worked hard all year. I had done extra performances. I had practiced more than any other person in the course. How could I not get in? It didn’t seem fair or right. I couldn’t comprehend it and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and disappear from the world. I felt like such a failure.
It wasn’t until that moment that I realised how much I had wanted that life. I wanted to sing every day and I wanted to learn. It didn’t seem fair that a letter could change the direction of my entire life.
I went through the next few days broken hearted. I felt empty inside and it was hard to stay focused on the exam. I went through swinging emotions of “I don’t give a shit about this damn exam. They’ve already made up their mind that I’m not good enough.” to “I’m going to show them what they missed out on. I am going to practise so hard they are going to beg me to be in the course.” I did practise and I did work incredibly hard on my exam pieces. I also spent long periods of time crying in bed, eating marshmallows and watching crappy television.
The day before my exam I found out that we would be singing in the Music Auditorium for the exams. This is without a doubt my favourite place to sing. With this idea in mind, a sort of farewell to university, I went to that exam more prepared than ever. I wore my favourite dress and shoes, I had my hair and make-up done nicely and I went in there thinking about nothing other than singing my best and performing for an auditorium full of no-one, but imagined it was full of my friends. I felt amazing and it was the best singing I had ever produced in my lifetime. The best part was I had done it for me and not some audition panel. This was my moment to say goodbye and move on.
Image by castorgirl (Flickr)
Look…
I know, at times, you don’t think you can’t do this.
I know, at times, it seems like such a humungous waste of time and effort.
I know there are also times when you’ve wanted to curl up in to a ball and blink out of existence because, well, because it’s just you and what do you matter?
This is all well understood and, I might add, experienced in the first degree.
But…
Don’t forget that you got in.
Don’t forget that you have, on at least 5 occasions, learnt the impossible in less than a 24 hours.
Don’t forget that there are lots of people who look up to you for advice; for guidance; for understanding; for bus fare; who would not be where they are now if you hadn’t been there, at that moment, to help them along.
Don’t forget that, even now – sitting here, waiting for you to come home while the cats try to push me off both pillows in the sitting room – I’m still so god-damn proud of you and what you have achieved this year, and last, that it makes it all worth it.
Sure, I might have kicked you up the bum to get out there and made sure you had a packed lunch or whatever you needed to forget to try to have a disaster on the way, but you’re the one who’s doing it. It’s you.
Really. It’s all you. It really, really is.
X
Your Bitey-saurus
When is the right time to play the blame game?
Not while the fire is raging around you. That’s when.
To have a really big fire
* There must be a spark to start it off;
* There has to be fuel to keep it going and;
* Something needs to fan it to get the flames as high as possible.
Imagine, for an instant, what it would be like if the Fire Department tried to find the cause of the blaze before they started to put it out. You house is on fire, people in fire fighting gear have turned up and in they go, to find the cause, rather than put it out. How many houses and people would be lost if things went that way?
Lots.
So, now go back and change “fire” to “argument” and “house” to “relationship”, it’s the same thing.
