Posts from ‘relationships’
Who started it?
When is the right time to play the blame game?
Not while the fire is raging around you. That’s when.
To have a really big fire
* There must be a spark to start it off;
* There has to be fuel to keep it going and;
* Something needs to fan it to get the flames as high as possible.
Imagine, for an instant, what it would be like if the Fire Department tried to find the cause of the blaze before they started to put it out. You house is on fire, people in fire fighting gear have turned up and in they go, to find the cause, rather than put it out. How many houses and people would be lost if things went that way?
Lots.
So, now go back and change “fire” to “argument” and “house” to “relationship”, it’s the same thing.
I also have a confession to make. Not only do I choose my cute happy smily cutlery when I set the table but I also purposely choose the silver cutlery for the cat food. I also only ever take your cutlery to university with me because I’m scared I’ll lose mine if I take them.
Guess we are both busted now!
Okay so I guess I have to explain the last post a little bit because my current state of being has obviously been affecting Ben, more than I originally intended or thought. I have been going a little bit nuts lately. I had to make a decision at the start of the year to either go back to university and study music or continue on working as a school teacher and leading the life that the majority of people choose because it is “easier”. I chose to go back to university and it honestly has been the best decision I have ever made. I love every day of it!
Over the last few weeks I have had to make another decision and that was whether to continue in my studies. The course I am currently enrolled in finishes at the end of this year. If I want to continue I would have to audition for the Bachelor of Music course. Last week I made the decision and sent off my application pack, so far so good…or so I thought.
I have been surrounded by babies lately. Two friends have new borns, my sister has just announced she is pregnant again, another two friends are pregnant and then I worked at the baby expo where every second person was pregnant. It is overloading my small circuitry! I really really really want to have a baby but I have made this commitment to study. Some days it is just harder than other to convince myself that I have made the right decision.
Add on top of that this constant feeling that I have left the whole university thing too late. The average age for people in the course is 19 / 20. I am 27. Now I know that isn’t old but when you think it in terms of most people would be finishing their masters by my age and going out there to get their first big job, I am well behind the 8 ball. I also have trouble keeping up in my theory classes due mostly to the fact that I haven’t been studying music since I was a kid. It is a bit much some days.
To try to combat this a little I have been over commiting myself to work also. I spent the majority of the past week working and have had very little time to spend with Ben. On one hand I think I need the money to get by but really I don’t and spending time with Ben is much more important. I just feel slightly responsible for getting myself back in the black financially after all it was my idea to go to Europe.
So there it is. Blah! My thought patterns on a page at the moment. I guess I need to lay off Ben for a little while. Accept my decisions and learn to live with them because I honestly believe I have made the right choice and the future is going to be brilliant!
I heard about this great way to deal with having to make decisions that, for some reason, become impossible to resolve without fisticuffs.
B: “What would you like for dinner?”
E: “I don’t know, anything.”
<– cut –>
It’s 5-3-1 time! Person B has to make 5 suggestions, Person E gets to veto two of them, then Person B vetoes another two. The remaining option is the one you go with.
</– cut –>
B: “Nando’s, Subway, Maya Masala, Sumo-Salad, I.G.A.”
E: “Not I.G.A. and not Nando’s; we went there yesterday.”
B: “Okay. Not Subway. Not Sumo-Salad.”
E: “Maya Masala it is then!”
<– cut –>
It’s great because:
- We both get to veto two items.
- The person who didn’t want to decide, ends up saying the answer (which is like pseudo-deciding)
- The person asking the question has to come up with 5 options to start with (as opposed to none when asking the first question)
</– cut –>
We have successfully trialed this game and found it to be both easy to play and very effective.
I have a friend who is going through some tough times at the moment and, during the course of some email tennis, there are a few paragraphs that I think bare repeating.
Would you change him, so that you could keep him? If you were to forgive what seems unforgivable (and believe me, it is forgivable, but maybe not just yet) and continue from roughly where you left off, what would you have to change, in your deeply held beliefs about relationships, so that you could REALLY be back in the relationship?
A lot huh?
About the same amount of things you’ll have to change to have your next serious relationship with whomever comes along.
Coupled with…
Know that when you are in a relationship, you choose to be in it and there will always be unexpected stuff coming at you. It is the nature of a relationship between two (or more) people that things will not go “as planned” and so, as you get more experienced with being in relationships, you stop making plans and stick to a generally agreed upon “basic outline” that can be reviewed at any time all members are together.
It has taken me, personally, ~15 years to figure this out and, while I think I’ve got it mostly worked out, I know that I could also have it completely wrong. While I am not exactly “fine” with that, I am okay with the idea that it doesn’t matter so much, as long as I am willing to throw out my old ideas and learn something new when the situation requires it.
I don’t really have much to add, outside of the context of the situation, other than: Relationships are curious things, the more I have the more I realise how much more there is to learn about them.
