Do I open the letter?
“Help! My letter from the university arrivered today and I don’t know what to do!” I have just sent this message to Ben because I can’t get a hold of him on the phone and I seriously don’t know what to do. I had said that if my letter arrived before my final performance exam then I wouldn’t open it until the exam was over. The thinking behind this was that if the letter said “Yes you are in for next year!” then I would be all like “Well who cares about the performance exam then?”, but then if the letter said “Sorry you are not in for next year”, then I would still be all like “Well who cares about the performance exam then?”
Now that it is sitting here on the desk in front of me I am not so sure I can wait another five days before opening it. This is the letter that regardless of its contents is going to change the course of my life.
If I am in then I am going to be spending the next three years of my life making myself into the best classical singer I can be. I will be studying at an amazing institution learning from incredibly inspiring people. I will get to spend every single day of my life doing what I want to be doing, which is singing.
If the letter is not what I am hoping then my life isn’t over but I will be dissapointed. I won’t have a strict plan for what I am going to do with my life but singing will still be a part of it. I will probably re-audition for the theme parks, get some more experience in performance, push myself furthur and take myself more seriously then I have been in the past.
Either way my life is going to change. So do I open the letter?
Look…
I know, at times, you don’t think you can’t do this.
I know, at times, it seems like such a humungous waste of time and effort.
I know there are also times when you’ve wanted to curl up in to a ball and blink out of existence because, well, because it’s just you and what do you matter?
This is all well understood and, I might add, experienced in the first degree.
But…
Don’t forget that you got in.
Don’t forget that you have, on at least 5 occasions, learnt the impossible in less than a 24 hours.
Don’t forget that there are lots of people who look up to you for advice; for guidance; for understanding; for bus fare; who would not be where they are now if you hadn’t been there, at that moment, to help them along.
Don’t forget that, even now – sitting here, waiting for you to come home while the cats try to push me off both pillows in the sitting room – I’m still so god-damn proud of you and what you have achieved this year, and last, that it makes it all worth it.
Sure, I might have kicked you up the bum to get out there and made sure you had a packed lunch or whatever you needed to forget to try to have a disaster on the way, but you’re the one who’s doing it. It’s you.
Really. It’s all you. It really, really is.
X
Your Bitey-saurus
Just when the end seemed in sight, when I was so sure that the finish line victory was mine, I turned the cornor and saw the hurdles. Nothing was as sure as it was two months, two days, or even two minutes ago. I thought the future was clear that it was just time and perseverence that was needed and I would cross the line in first. I would get my place at singing school.
Now it seems that there is more to do.
This is the hardest part.
For the past two months it has almost been certain that I would be attending university next year as a vocal student. I am doing well in my classes, I study hard, I practsise my singing to my insanely high standards and the best part, my teachers thought I had the talent to go through.
Yesterday however that all changed. On one hand I feel like this has come out of the blue but listening over the things I was told it all seems to make some kind of sense. Like something just out of the cornor of my eye, I thought I could see something but it wasn’t a big enough issue to worry about. Now it is smack bam in front of my eyes and it is not going away.
Basically I have been told that the head of the vocal department is not convinced I have what it takes. My development, as shown at my audition, has been minimal at best. I have a negative attitude towards new challenges, I pass the blame of things on to others and don’t take responsibility for myself. Those last two things kind of make me angry because I think I blame myself more than anybody else.
I guess I am really confused. This all seems to have come out of the blue. How could something so certain now be hanging in the balance of a ten minute performance exam in three weeks? Why am I being thrown such a huge challenge this close to the end? Where did the “don’t worry about it! You’re doing great!” attitude of my teachers go?
I feel confused and upset. I also feel really tired because I am not giving up. Not when I have come this far. It is going to hurt and it is not going to be easy. But I do not want to get that rejection letter knowing I could have done more. I want to know I did everything in my power to get in, and when I do I am going to be so damn amazing the entire world is going to stand back and watch!
People have been giving me blank stares and confused looks the past few weeks as I have announced that I have a super dooper plan for the next three years which involves a whole lot of study, both here and overseas, and no teaching.
“What?!? No teaching? But…but…you have a teaching degree! You are a teacher! The world needs teachers!”
You know what? I’m sick of doing what the ‘world’ wants so I am now off to do what I want.
“But that is awfully selfish!”
Actually no it’s not! I think it is incredibly intelligent and will make me happy. You see last year when I was teaching I felt unappreciated, used and ridiculed for the fact that I was a teacher. I was stressed out beyond belief and was having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning and functioning at an acceptable level. I was incredibly depressed and had continuous bouts of unidentifiable sickness ranging from ulcers to skin rashes. It was quite a horrible year for me.
Ben suggested that I take some time off this year.
I decided to reassess my priorities, look at what had made me happy in the past and try to focus on what I wanted my future to look like. The result was a HUGE turn around for me.
This year I have been studying music, working three casual jobs as a theatre usher and as a promo girl. I have spent every day singing, reading, learning French and watching Opera. I have cooked new and exotic meals with ingredients I didn’t even know existed before. I have gone for morning walks. I have seen snow for the first time and travelled to countries that I couldn’t have pin pointed on a map twelve months ago. Best of all, I have been incredibly happy. I have only been sick once this entire year and only for three days. I have seen and felt a difference in my manner and my outlook on life. I LOVE EVERY DAY I AM ALIVE!!!
All the changes I made this year have made me incredibly happy. Originally the plan was for this to be like a second ‘gap year’ and I would return to teaching in 2012. Looking back though, that seems like the worst decision I could make. Why go back to the unhappiness when I can continue in this new life I have created for myself?
Which brings me to now. Two weeks ago I drew up a plan for all the things I want to do and see in the next three years. It is a very long list, which I will post when I get more than a half hour break between classes and have time to type it up! In order to actually achieve these things I have to make some further changes.
The first thing to do is to sell my house.
This is a hard thing for me to do because I love my house and I love the sense of freedom, responsibility and stability it gives me. My mum said I would need it one day, well I think that day has come. If I sell my house I will be able to pay for my university fees for the next three years leaving me debt free upon graduation. That alone is a wonderful thought. It will also help me to put my first few plans into motion.
Second thing is to work less and study more.
This is hard as I am a workaholic. I don’t like to sit idle and I feel if I am not earning money then I am a constant burden to those around me and I hate that feeling. But if I want to focus on my studies than I need to commit more time to practise and research and that means creating more time for study and less for work.
Third thing is to cut back on my expenses.
I think I have been pretty good about this anyway. I usually buy the groceries with vouchers I get from online surveys. I menu plan so there is no waste at the end of the week. I buy all my clothes second hand (except underwear). I limit the use of my car and travel using public transport. I have even taken to making birthday presents instead of buying things.
With these changes I hope that the coming years will be as wonderful and rewarding as this one has been. I have had some tricky days and hard times, but the good days have been far in abundance.
In the meantime, while waiting for my house to sell, if you see me carrying a box of Freddo’s or inviting you to a fundraising event. It isn’t because I am being selfish but because I am finally following my dream and I want you to help me get there and be a part of it.
I am going to be a great singer. The journey starts here.
When is the right time to play the blame game?
Not while the fire is raging around you. That’s when.
To have a really big fire
* There must be a spark to start it off;
* There has to be fuel to keep it going and;
* Something needs to fan it to get the flames as high as possible.
Imagine, for an instant, what it would be like if the Fire Department tried to find the cause of the blaze before they started to put it out. You house is on fire, people in fire fighting gear have turned up and in they go, to find the cause, rather than put it out. How many houses and people would be lost if things went that way?
Lots.
So, now go back and change “fire” to “argument” and “house” to “relationship”, it’s the same thing.
