Posts Tagged ‘difficult’
I’m having trouble eating
Okay so that’s not entirely true. I have never had trouble eating, if I was to be perfectly honest I enjoy eating a little too much. On my Year Four school camp I won the award for being “The camp garbage disposal” it was even captioned with a little smiling garbage can with the speech bubble “Excuse me, can I finish what’s on your plate?” Yes I did ask people that and I continue to do so but at least my mother taught me two things 1. to use my manners and 2. to not waste food.
The real trouble I am having at the moment is this diet that Ben is advocating. It is a great diet, I can see huge changes in him already, when I stick to it I too am amazed at the weight loss that is happening along with the increased energy levels. The problem though is that I was brought up on an Irish man’s diet of potato, bread, gravy and meat. In this list I am not allowed to eat the first three items if I were to stick to the diet’s “rules”. As a consequence I often find myself cheating some what.
Last week it was bread and dip before dinner at the pub with some friends, Valentine’s day we had love heart pizza (see the picture, it was awesome), orientation day at university I had a sausage sizzle lunch (it was free and yes I could have just eaten the sausage but I didn’t want to look like the dancers who were just smelling the sausages and not actually eating them). It seems that bread and wheat is incredibly ingrained in everyday life for me. The ability for me to say “no” is still developing.
So I am trying the diet. It is proving to be difficult. I have cheated on multiple times. I haven’t cheated today so far so I’m going to make today “DAY ONE” and start again from scratch. In addition to the diet I am also exercising more, hopefully every day if I can stick to it. In four weeks I want to look like the dance girls at university; happy, healthy and flexible. I can do it.
Two of my friend’s have had babies in the last week and another has told me that he is expecting his first in six months time. This should be the happiest news in the world but with each announcement I have been completely floored.
The first thing that has crept into my mind with each announcement has been something negative. With the arrival of Ella last week I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong now that she is here. Again today at the arrival of Tate, all I could do was pray that he is okay and will make his parents so happy. When I heard about the pregnancy, running through my head was all the events that unfolded in our twelfth week, and a prayer that they don’t experience the same thing.
Why?
Why am I doing this?
Why are these thoughts overtaking me?
Why aren’t I or can’t I do anything to stop them?
The worst thing is that I am honestly happy for these new parents but am finding the sincerity from me lacking. Looking at the baby photos, reading about what they are going through and seeing the looks on their faces all I want to do is be 100% happy but I am finding it so difficult.
When will the hurt go away? Will it ever go away?
I feel ridiculous being unhappy after so many months, like I am unjustified somehow in feeling this way. Part of me feels like I should have let go already while another part almost knows I will never completely let go.
Image by Luke Edmonds of his first baby boy Tate
I just got back from spending time with Ben’s family. It was the first time we had seen them since Christmas and the first time since we had lost the baby. It was hard and I don’t entirely know why.
There were times when I felt like I had let them down, like somehow everything was my fault. I felt like I had built their hopes up only to destroy them a few weeks later. It was a pressure I didn’t think I would feel and I wasn’t expecting it so I was somewhat unprepared. A few times during the night I had to excuse myself for fear of crying in front of them, but when I actually stopped to think about why I was crying I realised it was silly. I hadn’t let anyone down.
I guess it was a lot more difficult than I was expecting. I’m going to have to just approach these moments as they come. During the last week I have had to face friends and family with hesitation on both sides. I think though the best thing to do right now is to spend time with people who love me because they are the ones who are going to be there for us now and in the future.
Things are slowly getting easier and the tears are furthur apart. We will get through this. I will get through this.
