The real trouble I am having at the moment is this diet that Ben is advocating. It is a great diet, I can see huge changes in him already, when I stick to it I too am amazed at the weight loss that is happening along with the increased energy levels. The problem though is that I was brought up on an Irish man’s diet of potato, bread, gravy and meat. In this list I am not allowed to eat the first three items if I were to stick to the diet’s “rules”. As a consequence I often find myself cheating some what.

Last week it was bread and dip before dinner at the pub with some friends, Valentine’s day we had love heart pizza (see the picture, it was awesome), orientation day at university I had a sausage sizzle lunch (it was free and yes I could have just eaten the sausage but I didn’t want to look like the dancers who were just smelling the sausages and not actually eating them). It seems that bread and wheat is incredibly ingrained in everyday life for me. The ability for me to say “no” is still developing.

So I am trying the diet. It is proving to be difficult. I have cheated on multiple times. I haven’t cheated today so far so I’m going to make today “DAY ONE” and start again from scratch. In addition to the diet I am also exercising more, hopefully every day if I can stick to it. In four weeks I want to look like the dance girls at university; happy, healthy and flexible. I can do it.

The first thing that has crept into my mind with each announcement has been something negative. With the arrival of Ella last week I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong now that she is here. Again today at the arrival of Tate, all I could do was pray that he is okay and will make his parents so happy. When I heard about the pregnancy, running through my head was all the events that unfolded in our twelfth week, and a prayer that they don’t experience the same thing.

Why?

Why am I doing this?

Why are these thoughts overtaking me?

Why aren’t I or can’t I do anything to stop them?

The worst thing is that I am honestly happy for these new parents but am finding the sincerity from me lacking. Looking at the baby photos, reading about what they are going through and seeing the looks on their faces all I want to do is be 100% happy but I am finding it so difficult.

When will the hurt go away? Will it ever go away?

I feel ridiculous being unhappy after so many months, like I am unjustified somehow in feeling this way. Part of me feels like I should have let go already while another part almost knows I will never completely let go.

Image by Luke Edmonds of his first baby boy Tate

I got to school late and had to enter the staff meeting late, to which the principal throw a very dirty look at me. I was getting off to a flying start. I was then ignored by the deputy principal who I have been trying to chase up for a week now about having an induction to the school. I have been working there for three weeks now and still have not had an induction, something which is greatly concerning me because I still don’t know how the school is run, what resources are available or even what to do if I need to call in sick.

I then taught for two periods the most disorganized and uninspired lessons I have ever taught. If I’m not motivated to be at school it often shows in my teaching as it would for anyone in any occupation. I felt like crap for doing this. I like teaching and I like teaching good lessons but these were just terrible.

I then got back to my office to find a message on my phone from Western Ultrasound. They wanted to know why I hadn’t come in for my ultrasound that morning. An appointment I had asked Ben to cancel over a month ago and which he assured me he had. As soon as I heard the message I burst into tears.

My mind went into overdrive thinking about how far along I would be by now, how big my tummy would be, what I would be able to see on the ultrasound, the sex of the baby, finally having a picture of the baby to show everyone, everything to do with the baby and the expectations of having a baby came flooding back and I couldn’t handle it.

All I wanted to do was run away and get back into bed with that little cat from the morning. Forget what had happened and start the day again.

I hate these little things popping up all the time and wonder when they will all stop because on days like this it really is too much to handle.

There were times when I felt like I had let them down, like somehow everything was my fault. I felt like I had built their hopes up only to destroy them a few weeks later. It was a pressure I didn’t think I would feel and I wasn’t expecting it so I was somewhat unprepared. A few times during the night I had to excuse myself for fear of crying in front of them, but when I actually stopped to think about why I was crying I realised it was silly. I hadn’t let anyone down.

I guess it was a lot more difficult than I was expecting. I’m going to have to just approach these moments as they come. During the last week I have had to face friends and family with hesitation on both sides. I think though the best thing to do right now is to spend time with people who love me because they are the ones who are going to be there for us now and in the future.

Things are slowly getting easier and the tears are furthur apart. We will get through this. I will get through this.