Posts Tagged ‘dreams’
The Hardest Part
Just when the end seemed in sight, when I was so sure that the finish line victory was mine, I turned the cornor and saw the hurdles. Nothing was as sure as it was two months, two days, or even two minutes ago. I thought the future was clear that it was just time and perseverence that was needed and I would cross the line in first. I would get my place at singing school.
Now it seems that there is more to do.
This is the hardest part.
For the past two months it has almost been certain that I would be attending university next year as a vocal student. I am doing well in my classes, I study hard, I practsise my singing to my insanely high standards and the best part, my teachers thought I had the talent to go through.
Yesterday however that all changed. On one hand I feel like this has come out of the blue but listening over the things I was told it all seems to make some kind of sense. Like something just out of the cornor of my eye, I thought I could see something but it wasn’t a big enough issue to worry about. Now it is smack bam in front of my eyes and it is not going away.
Basically I have been told that the head of the vocal department is not convinced I have what it takes. My development, as shown at my audition, has been minimal at best. I have a negative attitude towards new challenges, I pass the blame of things on to others and don’t take responsibility for myself. Those last two things kind of make me angry because I think I blame myself more than anybody else.
I guess I am really confused. This all seems to have come out of the blue. How could something so certain now be hanging in the balance of a ten minute performance exam in three weeks? Why am I being thrown such a huge challenge this close to the end? Where did the “don’t worry about it! You’re doing great!” attitude of my teachers go?
I feel confused and upset. I also feel really tired because I am not giving up. Not when I have come this far. It is going to hurt and it is not going to be easy. But I do not want to get that rejection letter knowing I could have done more. I want to know I did everything in my power to get in, and when I do I am going to be so damn amazing the entire world is going to stand back and watch!
I came across this poem while travelling the intertubes today and, after a bunch of searching about the place, I have realised that a) it’s not the original version and b) the women who wrote it, Sonny Carroll, has, in the last 10 years or so, had various domain names which she has allowed to lapse and remains reasonably googlically mysterious – aside from writing some very nice poetry that seems to have been treated like the recipe for beer (I love what you have done here, but I think my version is better).
In the spirit of partially continuing this tradition, I will post this without permission while seeking the same. Ms. Carroll, if you are still out there, can I please put this up here? I assume you wrote it originally and, for what it’s worth, it’s a beautiful description of something many of us might come to experience.
The Awakening – (by Sonny Carroll)
A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
I found it here, but it’s also here, there and everywhere.
Last night Ben and I sat down and had a discussion about what we will do with our lives, and mainly my life, if I don’t get this contract in Singapore. With six days left until ‘the end of August’ has been and gone and the very real possibility that the jobs have already been assigned and I am one of the unlucky few who have to come to terms with missing out, we need a back up plan.
Sure it has been great thinking that all of our problems are going to be solved by one phone call from Singapore but what if that phone call never comes? What do we do then?
We made a list of what is important and what goals I have in regards to becoming a better singer and dancer and the possibility of making a career out of it all and we came to the following general plan.
- I want to study singing and dancing more. The last two years I have been very lazy in my study and as a result I haven’t really improved very much and in the case of dancing I have put on weight, lost a lot of flexibility and lost some skills that I used to find easy. What that means in real terms is I need to find somewhere and something to study so after scouring numerous course and finding ones that offer some of what I want, I am going to apply for BAPA (musical theatre), WAAPA (classical), WAAPA (musical theatre), and AIM (musical theatre).
- I need to stay at Kolbe till the end of the year which means I have to suck up the fact that I hate it here and deal with it. Unless I have another job to go to, this is my only opportunity to save some money for what is going to be a difficult year next year.
- Work more on my writing and start to produce some of the things I have written into some form other than just keeping it all to myself. Sure this opens me up to the potential for ridicule but until I try, I will only have failed.
- Stop looking just at what is going wrong and start to focus on what is going right. I actually have a lot of joy and happiness in my life I just get bogged down in petty crap.
I’m not pretending that I am not upset about missing out on this contract. It would have been a dream come true and would have made so many things simpler. I cried and cried last night when I thought of all that I had lost, but it is time to move on. I can sit here and mope about it or I can do something now. I can have something to look forward to again and besides this means that I can still play Hodel in “Fiddler on the Roof” at the end of the year and that is something I am looking forward to!
So the honeymoon is over and Ben and I are on the plane on our way home. It has been quite a trip and we have both had a lot of time to unwind, relax and ask the question “Well, what next?”
We have both been looking to the future in one way or another, I don’t think it is any secret that we are both pretty restless in our lives at the moment occupation wise, but we can’t seem to figure out the next step.
I thought coming to Singapore would help me to put that part of my life behind me (I used to study performing arts in Singapore but dropped out rather unceremoniously after a month and a terrible bout of homesickness) but instead I am just as confused as ever. I have too many options and no direction.
So the honeymoon is over, now for the rest of my life to happen, if only I knew where to begin!
I used to sing a lot. In fact I used to have a chart where every day I would tick off a new square when I had sung. There was barely a day that went by when I missed practising my singing. Slowly though I stopped practising. At first I thought I had legitimate excuses like:
- I didn’t want to disturb the neighbours
- I had a bit of a cold coming on
- I was tired
- I didn’t have anything to sing
When I looked at my excuses though I started to realise that none of my reasons for not singing were any good at all. It wasn’t that I now hated singing, in fact it was the opposite. I enjoyed singing so much, the sense of freedom it gave me I can’t even describe but here I was not singing! So what happened?
I don’t know. I still don’t know. It was like something in my brain said “You are having too much fun and happiness doing this thing that you love. It can’t possibly last. You should just stop now rather than be told to stop in the future.”
How often do I do this? How often do I stop doing something I love for fear that someone or something will tell me to stop. In order to avoid the failure I just make sure that I fail before I even begin.
Well this week I am dusting off the music books, searching for my singing tapes and warning the neighbours, because I have had enough of making myself unhappy and damn it I want to sing! One of my goals for this year was to sing again and four months in I haven’t done anything about it, until now. So now I am going to try and sing, maybe not every day like before, but at least three times a week to begin with. I’m also not going to be too hard on myself if I do miss a day when I shoud be singing. Rather than punishing myself I’ll keep reminding myself of why I am singing in the first place, because it makes me happy, and in the end that should be all the reason and motivation I need.
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