Sure it has been great thinking that all of our problems are going to be solved by one phone call from Singapore but what if that phone call never comes? What do we do then?

We made a list of what is important and what goals I have in regards to becoming a better singer and dancer and the possibility of making a career out of it all and we came to the following general plan.

1. I want to study singing and dancing more. The last two years I have been very lazy in my study and as a result I haven’t really improved very much and in the case of dancing I have put on weight, lost a lot of flexibility and lost some skills that I used to find easy. What that means in real terms is I need to find somewhere and something to study so after scouring numerous course and finding ones that offer some of what I want, I am going to apply for BAPA (musical theatre), WAAPA (classical), WAAPA (musical theatre), and AIM (musical theatre).
2. I need to stay at Kolbe till the end of the year which means I have to suck up the fact that I hate it here and deal with it. Unless I have another job to go to, this is my only opportunity to save some money for what is going to be a difficult year next year.
3. Work more on my writing and start to produce some of the things I have written into some form other than just keeping it all to myself. Sure this opens me up to the potential for ridicule but until I try, I will only have failed.
4. Stop looking just at what is going wrong and start to focus on what is going right. I actually have a lot of joy and happiness in my life I just get bogged down in petty crap.

I’m not pretending that I am not upset about missing out on this contract. It would have been a dream come true and would have made so many things simpler. I cried and cried last night when I thought of all that I had lost, but it is time to move on. I can sit here and mope about it or I can do something now. I can have something to look forward to again and besides this means that I can still play Hodel in “Fiddler on the Roof” at the end of the year and that is something I am looking forward to!

We have both been looking to the future in one way or another, I don’t think it is any secret that we are both pretty restless in our lives at the moment occupation wise, but we can’t seem to figure out the next step.

I thought coming to Singapore would help me to put that part of my life behind me (I used to study performing arts in Singapore but dropped out rather unceremoniously after a month and a terrible bout of homesickness) but instead I am just as confused as ever. I have too many options and no direction.

So the honeymoon is over, now for the rest of my life to happen, if only I knew where to begin!

• I didn’t want to disturb the neighbours
• I had a bit of a cold coming on
• I was tired
• I didn’t have anything to sing

When I looked at my excuses though I started to realise that none of my reasons for not singing were any good at all. It wasn’t that I now hated singing, in fact it was the opposite. I enjoyed singing so much, the sense of freedom it gave me I can’t even describe but here I was not singing! So what happened?

I don’t know. I still don’t know. It was like something in my brain said “You are having too much fun and happiness doing this thing that you love. It can’t possibly last. You should just stop now rather than be told to stop in the future.”

How often do I do this? How often do I stop doing something I love for fear that someone or something will tell me to stop. In order to avoid the failure I just make sure that I fail before I even begin.

Well this week I am dusting off the music books, searching for my singing tapes and warning the neighbours, because I have had enough of making myself unhappy and damn it I want to sing! One of my goals for this year was to sing again and four months in I haven’t done anything about it, until now. So now I am going to try and sing, maybe not every day like before, but at least three times a week to begin with. I’m also not going to be too hard on myself if I do miss a day when I shoud be singing. Rather than punishing myself I’ll keep reminding myself of why I am singing in the first place, because it makes me happy, and in the end that should be all the reason and motivation I need.

Image by . 7 (Flikr)

These kids I was teaching had no comprehension of taking control of their lives. They were content with blaming all their misfortune on others leaving them to feel guilt free. They had no direction, no understanding of what a gift they had been given. I started dispensing the following advice, advice that Ben had given me, and at the moment it started to click for them it also clicked for me.

The only person in this world who can change your life is you. Everything that happens to you in your life is a direct result of a choice you made. Think about what power this realisation can hold for you. You have the power to change your life into something you can be proud of.

1. Who am I?

2. What is important to me?

3. What do I want to do with my life?

If you can answer these three questions with conviction then you can start to change your life. you can begin to live the life you want to live, instead of the life you believe you are expected to live.

Nothing is impossible.

Take the time to reflect on these three questions. What would your answers be?

Within the classroom the kids started to think that this was another “What do you want to be when you grow up” lessons. They were reluctant until they started thinking beyond the classroom walls. It was interesting to hear what real dreams they have for their lives. Dreams beyond “I want to be a mechanic”. There were honest thoughts coming out and they stopped thinking about what they thought I wanted to hear and concentrated more on what they wanted to say. It was a wonderful breakthrough.

Image by Paolo Margari (flickr)