Posts Tagged ‘expectations’
Why am I doing this?
I am studying at university and on the whole I am learning a lot and enjoying my time there. What I don’t like though is the amount of things I have to do because “it is part of the course”. Things like:
- I have had to complete units which I have done equivalent units for in my last degree.
- I have to learn high level music analysis which I would not have much use for as a singer
- I have to participate in group assignments which are pitched at much younger, inexperienced students
In short I am having to do a lot of stuff which leaves me questioning “Why am I doing this?”
I know that in any degree you invariably learn things that have no real application in the real world. You will always have to learn things that you will never use again, mostly because you have no idea what the future has in store. take for example my last degree. I did two units on teaching TEE level English units (these are the units high level year 11 and 12 students take). On all of my practicals and even when I graduated I never taught TEE English. I found that I had more interest in teaching low ability and learning difficulty students. When I did my degree, however, I didn’t know I was never going to use those units so I completed them anyway.
I guess one of the main differences this time around is that I have much more of an idea of what I want to do with my life so I am able to look at what I am studying with more understanding of how it is going to contribute to my musical life. I just wish I had more say in why I am doing the things I am doing.
I guess this post all came about because last night I had to take part in a production of the Mikado. It was dreadful. I have never been more embarrassed to be a part of a show before. It was highly unprofessional, under directed, under rehearsed and not well organised. I learned a lot about what shouldn’t be done in a production but at the same time I already knew a lot of those things. I have participated in dance concerts and amateur musicals which were more of a professional standard. The most embarrassing thing about it though is that these students (including myself) are hoping to be professionals one day and should be acting like professionals while studying.
I just don’t know why I am doing it, other than to get a tick for that part of the unit.
Image by Bas. K (Flickr)
This post was originally posted on March 7th but went missing. I found it! So this is a re-post…enjoy!
“I will run every morning before breakfast”
“I will study French every day”
“I will lose five kilos by March”
I set goals for myself all the time. Sometimes they are wild crazy goals. Sometimes they are quite simple. They do have one thing in common though and that is that I set them and then fail to see them through to their complete extent. Take this for example:
When I was younger I used to do race walking. It’s that weird sport which looks like a mix between running and wiggling your bum a lot. When I was fourteen I set the goal of winning a state medal that year. I didn’t care what medal I just wanted to win one. That year I trained harder than I ever had before. My times improved dramatically over the season. I even tracked the rankings throughout the year and saw that I had the second fastest time and the most consistent time out of my age group. I was going to go to the state championships and win my medal!
So what happened?
I went to the zone qualifier and nearly got disqualified after being given two cautions for contact and a warning for knees. I never got cautions. I was one of the cleanest walkers in the competition. This really shook me up and I finished with a time that was nearly double my personal best.
I then went to the states so worried that I would be disqualified that I performed terribly. On my final lap all I remember is crying because I knew I had stuffed it so badly. In the end I finished fourth.
So what is the point of this story? The point is I have a habit when it comes to goal setting, a habit stretching back to childhood. The example above is just one of many that I can think of off the top of my head. My habit is that when I want something so badly that I set a goal to achieve it I then go about self sabotaging myself so that it is near impossible for me to achieve it.
I want to stop this. One step is to break the goal up into smaller more achievable steps. Another is to do some preparation before setting the goal so I know what I am getting myself in for and are prepared for the hard work to come. The most important thing though is to break the habit.
As usual, it seems, it has been a while since I have written on here. Not entirely my fault. I did write two posts on my mobile phone which until recently I thought had been posted. They have since seemed to have disappeared completely. I don’t think it would be worthwhile trying to rewrite them as they were written in a particular space and time which, at this very moment, is no longer applicable. The original meaning of the posts would probably be lost somewhere in trying to recreate what I was then.
That in itself though has got me thinking. I can’t recreate what I was at any time in my past. I can try and I can probably come close but time is always flowing on and the changes, however small they may be, will always have an impact on what I am now.
A friend recently posted about where she was and what she was doing at various intervals in her life. Just last week I was talking to Ben about how when I was eleven I wanted to be a vet. I constantly look at my present and insist that I am not moving anywhere, that I feel “stuck”. So today I thought I would take some time to look back on particular times and places and what I was doing and expected for my future.
23 years ago:
I was five years old. I was attending primary school. My best friends were a boy who lived down the road, Samuel, and two girls Kathy and Tanya. I had just been to see the Little Mermaid and would occupy my time singing and swimming with my legs tied together pretending I was Ariel. My ambition in life was to grow up to be a mermaid. I remember praying every night “When I die can I please come back as a mermaid?”
20 years ago:
It was an Olympic year and our class at school were doing lots of Olympic themed activities including a diary writing exercise on “Where will we be during the 2000 Olympics?” At that stage I was going to Little Athletics and was sure that by the year 2000 I would be representing Australia in race walking or driving my car across the Nullabor to go watch my first Olympic Games.
15 years ago:
In my early years of high school I went a little strange. I still loved my athletics and Disney was still setting my sights on finding a prince but I was also becoming more and more interested in magic, fairies and dragons. I would dress in long skirts, burn incense in my room and spend my weekends in Fremantle. It was about this stage that I started getting interested in sewing. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life which didn’t help with all the pressure of choosing subjects coming up. I was vaguely interested in the idea of becoming a nurse, a doctor or a paramedic.
10 years ago:
Out of high school finally with still no idea of what I wanted to do with my life. I had always wanted to learn how to sing and dance so I enrolled myself in a singing class and a dance class. The classes clashed with athletics training so I made the difficult decision to quit athletics. I loved dancing and felt a freedom that had been missing from me for some time. I had a tiny little voice when I tried to sing and I shook with stagefright but all I could think of was how much joy singing was bringing to me.
7 years ago:
I decided it was about time that I went to university and got a degree in something! I was vaguely interested in writing so I enrolled in a double degree of English and Education. I found something that I enjoyed and I was good at it. I studied hard and finished my degree shortly after with three job offers before graduation. I accepted a position as a English teacher and taught for two years.
3 years ago:
I was offered a position at a school in Singapore to study Musical Theatre. I hadn’t really sung or danced much since starting work as a full time teacher. The audition had awakened something in me and I realised that while I enjoyed teaching and I was good at it, I wasn’t really in love with the idea of being a teacher the rest of my life. I took the position but shortly after I suffered from incredibly depressive home sickness. I came home feeling like I had failed at being a musical theatre performer. I also had no job and I had put my house up for rent so I had no where to live. I had also invested all my savings into the course so I was flat broke. It was one of the worst times in my life. I eventually found a job singing on wine tour boats which was not very fulfilling and moved in with a friend from school. She helped me a lot!
2 years ago:
I found another job teaching. I loved the kids but as a whole I was not happy. The school was a long way away from where I lived and had a very different culture to what I was used to. I felt very lonely. I also celebrated a wonderful moment that year in marrying Ben and going on our honeymoon to Singapore where I was finally able to work through some of the sadness I had felt while I had tried to study there. I was beginning to feel whole again. With Ben’s encouragement I applied to study music.
1 year ago:
I was studying Classical music full time. It was a big change from the musical theatre I had made my main interest for the past ten years. I was learning so many new things and meeting new people. I was also beginning to feel like I was on the right path again. I wanted to sing and to make a career out of singing.
Now:
Today I am at home relaxing with Ben. We have spent the morning in the garden and cooking soup. I feel content and happy. I have school tomorrow starting with an opera rehearsal and followed by Italian classes. I am very happy with where I am. My goals at the moment are to do well at university and improve my technique, audition for more professional work as a singer, and to put on a concert by the end of the year.
Looking back at only a few moments in my life I can see how far I have come and I can also see how I have changed the direction I am headed. The change isn’t bad. Some things ran their course and changed into something else. Other things didn’t work out the way I had hoped. The change has been good for me and I hope I continue to change. For the moment though I need to sing.
Image by Tommy Klumker (Flickr)
Between work and study I seem to have made very little time for hanging out with my friends. I was so thankful last week when we finally were together to celebrate that our friend Ash had come to visit all the way from Melbourne. When we were in highschool there was nothing better than having a sleepover complete with mountains of food, bad movies, sleeping in the same room telling stories and trying on each others clothes (it makes sense when you are a girl). So what better way to celebrate us being together than by replicating the days of the past, plus a few drinks in the mix now that we are adults.
Part of me enjoyed the evening a little too much and wished for the days back in highschool where our biggest concern seemed to be what we were going to wear to so-and-so’s birthday party or whether or not it was a good idea to dye our hair blonde…again. I wanted that freedom, but then I remembered all the other things that come with that, things like having no money, working for your entire Saturday only to come home and find you have made $50 that entire day, not being able to drive and still sharing a room with your sister. Maybe it was better the way it is now.
Then I started looking around at what my friends had that I didn’t. They are for the most part single and living on their own so there is a kind of freedom in that too. Like being able to put things wherever you like, having make-up and perfume bottles on a dressing table, bright pictures on the walls and cushions on the couch. Ben is a minimalist so our house is a strange clash of his minimalism, which is currently winning out, over my desire to make everything bright and girly. Sometimes I miss my old house where I lived on my own because everything was the way I wanted it to be.
Then I remember why I live the way I do. I live that way because I want to live with Ben and I want to share my life with him. I’m not pretending that is all I need, there will still be times I will have to fight the urge to paint the lounge room hot pink, but remembering that it is about compromise not about giving up, is its own freedom. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Image: Aftermath of the sleepover (taken by me)
The last few weeks Ben and I have been pushing ourselves a little too hard. Currently I am performing in a production of “Fiddler on the Roof”, while also choreographing the musical “Nine”. Ben has been coming along to “Nine” rehearsals to help out and this has often resulted in him helping out on nights when I am not there too. What this has added up to is two very tired people.
It is production week this week for both shows, they both had their preview tonight and they both open on Friday. As you can imagine there have been a lot of last minute rehearsals happening in a desperate attempt to get things ‘perfect’. This week alone we have been to one rehearsal or the other (or in the case of Sunday both) every day. It has gotten to the point now though when we need to stop. The exhaustion has set in. It is time for a break.
I think the worse thing in all this is that Ben and I don’t seem to be spending as much time together as we usually do. We have also taken to sleeping in separate beds because we seem to get better sleep when there isn’t another body in the bed, and with sleep eluding us we will take what we can get. It isn’t ideal but it works.
I miss waking up and having our slow sleepy mornings together, sharing breakfast together and talking about the day.
I miss coming home at night and spending time unwinding, listening to music, going to the movies or watching a video.
Most of all I miss Ben. We don’t haven’t seen each other much the last two weeks. Hopefully once the shows open we can get back to being awesome together. Because we are pretty damn awesome.
