Posts Tagged ‘future’
Why am I doing this?
I am studying at university and on the whole I am learning a lot and enjoying my time there. What I don’t like though is the amount of things I have to do because “it is part of the course”. Things like:
- I have had to complete units which I have done equivalent units for in my last degree.
- I have to learn high level music analysis which I would not have much use for as a singer
- I have to participate in group assignments which are pitched at much younger, inexperienced students
In short I am having to do a lot of stuff which leaves me questioning “Why am I doing this?”
I know that in any degree you invariably learn things that have no real application in the real world. You will always have to learn things that you will never use again, mostly because you have no idea what the future has in store. take for example my last degree. I did two units on teaching TEE level English units (these are the units high level year 11 and 12 students take). On all of my practicals and even when I graduated I never taught TEE English. I found that I had more interest in teaching low ability and learning difficulty students. When I did my degree, however, I didn’t know I was never going to use those units so I completed them anyway.
I guess one of the main differences this time around is that I have much more of an idea of what I want to do with my life so I am able to look at what I am studying with more understanding of how it is going to contribute to my musical life. I just wish I had more say in why I am doing the things I am doing.
I guess this post all came about because last night I had to take part in a production of the Mikado. It was dreadful. I have never been more embarrassed to be a part of a show before. It was highly unprofessional, under directed, under rehearsed and not well organised. I learned a lot about what shouldn’t be done in a production but at the same time I already knew a lot of those things. I have participated in dance concerts and amateur musicals which were more of a professional standard. The most embarrassing thing about it though is that these students (including myself) are hoping to be professionals one day and should be acting like professionals while studying.
I just don’t know why I am doing it, other than to get a tick for that part of the unit.
Image by Bas. K (Flickr)
In ten years time I will look back again just as I did in the post preceding this, but what will I see? The scary thing is that what I will see will be entirely dependant on me. It will depend on the choices I make, the determination I show, the commitment I have and the dedication I prove. At the moment I can dream and I dream that I will fulfill my goals of:
- being a professional singer
- learn to speak a foreign language with proficiency
- have a family
- travel the world
- be happy
Whether these things come about though is dependant on my choices, determination, commitment and dedication. If I keep these dreams at the forefront of my mind and apply myself without excuse then there is no reason why I should look back in ten years and be disappointed with the life that I have chosen to live.
Last year Ben wrote a post which looked at the year that had gone by. It was a good opportunity to look back on the year, our achievements and our expectations for the coming year.
So this year I would like to write my own review:
The high-lights
- Survived being married for a whole year and a bit!
- Completed and passed WAAPA to an amazing standard
- Ben and I worked together on our first musical (I was in it and he worked the lights)
- Travelled to France and Switzerland, and survived!
Other successes
- Continued to save money by watching my spending (saved enough to spoil Ben with a trip to Japan for his birthday)
- Housing arrangements (Somehow we still have the two houses despite me only working casually)
- Made our first friends as a couple (Nicole and Stephen you are amazing!)
- Conversations on the increase (arguments are on the decline – still)
- I made some new friends and removed lots of the negativity from my life (Year of Happiness!)
- Started working for two new companies with varying results but on the whole very satisfied with my work arrangements
Stuff we hope to learn something from
- It is okay to change the plans
- Family is great.
- If you work hard it will always pay off in some form
Unmentionable things like
- Emma has now finished University and now has to take herself seriously as a singer
- Ben still works for a company that doesn’t deserve him
I had a singing lesson today and I feel just as lost as I did two days ago. What am I doing? I feel like I am pinning all my hopes of a career as a singer on this one audition. Ben is telling me to be positive, focus on the audition and do the best I can. To an extent that is exactly what I am doing but where do I draw the line between believing in myself and my abilities and over committing to the one idea? This isn’t a sure thing. I might not get in. I’m not being negative, I’m being realistic. What is the back-up plan?
I feel as if I have no direction, no safety net, no plan, no idea of anything! I’m really confused about everything. The worst part is I can’t really talk to Ben about it. Every time I say that I am worried he just says “Don’t be! There is nothing to worry about.” If I say “But what if I don’t get in?” He immediately jumps to the conclusion that I have given up already and I have resorted to a mindset of negativity. I honestly haven’t but I am not going to sit naively thinking that everything in my future is laid out nicely because it’s not. There is a very real possibility that I won’t get in just as much as there is a real possibility that I will get in.
I’ve lost my stability is the problem. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a course I’m studying and I don’t have anything on the horizon except an audition that may or may not go ahead. This sucks. I feel happy one moment and very confused and lost the next.
I need patience….and a plan.
It is hot.
I’m tired.
I can’t get to sleep.
It is one of those nights when no matter how much I want to go to sleep, it seems to be the only thing my body won’t let me do. I just can’t get my mind to shut off. I am worried about the future now, and worry does nothing, well nothing but keep you awake that is. I keep thinking over and over again about how unclear the road ahead is. A few short weeks ago everything seemed so sure. I would finish my course this year, enjoy my summer break working, travelling and singing, then next year I would start studying for my Bachelor of Music. It was all so simple right?
Then everything changed…
I’m not unhappy about this at all. It is fantastic that instead of having to wait for three years to start my career as a singer I can start right away. I am just a little overwhelmed with the idea. I also can’t stop with the questions:
- What if the audition for the state opera is successful?
- When do rehearsals start?
- How much would I get paid?
- What is the time commitment?
- Would I just have singing lessons at university or would I do other classes instead?
- What if the audition for the state opera isn’t successful?
- Do I then just enrol in the course?
- Do I try a different route?
- Do I find an agent?
- What do I do with my time?
Heck! I don’t even know when the audition would be! It is all very confusing. I think it is all happening tonight because 1) I had a good day today and my mind can’t cope with that idea 2) Tomorrow would have been my audition for another university which I have now decided not to attend because of the decision made at my performance exam, despite having paid $190 for the audition application (which I am a little annoyed about now) and 3) I really really want a clearer idea of what I am doing and where I am going (which is next to impossible for performing).
I’m hoping now that I have written this down I can at least get some sleep. In the morning I realise I will look at this post and realise how silly I was being. In the meantime…Goodnight!
Image by geodesic (flickr)
