Posts Tagged ‘future’
2011: Year in review
Last year Ben wrote a post which looked at the year that had gone by. It was a good opportunity to look back on the year, our achievements and our expectations for the coming year.
So this year I would like to write my own review:
The high-lights
- Survived being married for a whole year and a bit!
- Completed and passed WAAPA to an amazing standard
- Ben and I worked together on our first musical (I was in it and he worked the lights)
- Travelled to France and Switzerland, and survived!
Other successes
- Continued to save money by watching my spending (saved enough to spoil Ben with a trip to Japan for his birthday)
- Housing arrangements (Somehow we still have the two houses despite me only working casually)
- Made our first friends as a couple (Nicole and Stephen you are amazing!)
- Conversations on the increase (arguments are on the decline – still)
- I made some new friends and removed lots of the negativity from my life (Year of Happiness!)
- Started working for two new companies with varying results but on the whole very satisfied with my work arrangements
Stuff we hope to learn something from
- It is okay to change the plans
- Family is great.
- If you work hard it will always pay off in some form
Unmentionable things like
- Emma has now finished University and now has to take herself seriously as a singer
- Ben still works for a company that doesn’t deserve him
I had a singing lesson today and I feel just as lost as I did two days ago. What am I doing? I feel like I am pinning all my hopes of a career as a singer on this one audition. Ben is telling me to be positive, focus on the audition and do the best I can. To an extent that is exactly what I am doing but where do I draw the line between believing in myself and my abilities and over committing to the one idea? This isn’t a sure thing. I might not get in. I’m not being negative, I’m being realistic. What is the back-up plan?
I feel as if I have no direction, no safety net, no plan, no idea of anything! I’m really confused about everything. The worst part is I can’t really talk to Ben about it. Every time I say that I am worried he just says “Don’t be! There is nothing to worry about.” If I say “But what if I don’t get in?” He immediately jumps to the conclusion that I have given up already and I have resorted to a mindset of negativity. I honestly haven’t but I am not going to sit naively thinking that everything in my future is laid out nicely because it’s not. There is a very real possibility that I won’t get in just as much as there is a real possibility that I will get in.
I’ve lost my stability is the problem. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a course I’m studying and I don’t have anything on the horizon except an audition that may or may not go ahead. This sucks. I feel happy one moment and very confused and lost the next.
I need patience….and a plan.
It is hot.
I’m tired.
I can’t get to sleep.
It is one of those nights when no matter how much I want to go to sleep, it seems to be the only thing my body won’t let me do. I just can’t get my mind to shut off. I am worried about the future now, and worry does nothing, well nothing but keep you awake that is. I keep thinking over and over again about how unclear the road ahead is. A few short weeks ago everything seemed so sure. I would finish my course this year, enjoy my summer break working, travelling and singing, then next year I would start studying for my Bachelor of Music. It was all so simple right?
Then everything changed…
I’m not unhappy about this at all. It is fantastic that instead of having to wait for three years to start my career as a singer I can start right away. I am just a little overwhelmed with the idea. I also can’t stop with the questions:
- What if the audition for the state opera is successful?
- When do rehearsals start?
- How much would I get paid?
- What is the time commitment?
- Would I just have singing lessons at university or would I do other classes instead?
- What if the audition for the state opera isn’t successful?
- Do I then just enrol in the course?
- Do I try a different route?
- Do I find an agent?
- What do I do with my time?
Heck! I don’t even know when the audition would be! It is all very confusing. I think it is all happening tonight because 1) I had a good day today and my mind can’t cope with that idea 2) Tomorrow would have been my audition for another university which I have now decided not to attend because of the decision made at my performance exam, despite having paid $190 for the audition application (which I am a little annoyed about now) and 3) I really really want a clearer idea of what I am doing and where I am going (which is next to impossible for performing).
I’m hoping now that I have written this down I can at least get some sleep. In the morning I realise I will look at this post and realise how silly I was being. In the meantime…Goodnight!
Image by geodesic (flickr)
Between work and study I seem to have made very little time for hanging out with my friends. I was so thankful last week when we finally were together to celebrate that our friend Ash had come to visit all the way from Melbourne. When we were in highschool there was nothing better than having a sleepover complete with mountains of food, bad movies, sleeping in the same room telling stories and trying on each others clothes (it makes sense when you are a girl). So what better way to celebrate us being together than by replicating the days of the past, plus a few drinks in the mix now that we are adults.
Part of me enjoyed the evening a little too much and wished for the days back in highschool where our biggest concern seemed to be what we were going to wear to so-and-so’s birthday party or whether or not it was a good idea to dye our hair blonde…again. I wanted that freedom, but then I remembered all the other things that come with that, things like having no money, working for your entire Saturday only to come home and find you have made $50 that entire day, not being able to drive and still sharing a room with your sister. Maybe it was better the way it is now.
Then I started looking around at what my friends had that I didn’t. They are for the most part single and living on their own so there is a kind of freedom in that too. Like being able to put things wherever you like, having make-up and perfume bottles on a dressing table, bright pictures on the walls and cushions on the couch. Ben is a minimalist so our house is a strange clash of his minimalism, which is currently winning out, over my desire to make everything bright and girly. Sometimes I miss my old house where I lived on my own because everything was the way I wanted it to be.
Then I remember why I live the way I do. I live that way because I want to live with Ben and I want to share my life with him. I’m not pretending that is all I need, there will still be times I will have to fight the urge to paint the lounge room hot pink, but remembering that it is about compromise not about giving up, is its own freedom. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Image: Aftermath of the sleepover (taken by me)
I don’t know if it is the change in the weather, the near completeness of knowing what I am going to be doing next year in regards to study or the realisation that I am only seven weeks, three days and one period away from having completed the school year, but I feel great and have felt great for the past few days. Add to that a new diet which Ben and I are experimenting with and all together it is adding up to make a much more stable me.
So what exactly has changed?
1. I had my audition on Sunday morning for entry into WAAPA’s classical music course. They said I had a “very pretty” voice and could see a lot of potential. They suggested that I start with the certificate course and then go on to the post-graduate course depending on how my voice progresses. Another footnote is that I should start learning German, Italian and French next year to help with when I get to the post-graduate studies. I have been wanting to learn a language for a while and have been on and off for some time. Hopefully with the motivation of university I will stick with it a little more and push myself. It is very exciting.
2. The change in the weather is great. I am finding it easier to get out of bed in the morning and go to sleep at night. I’m not nearly as tired as I once was and am finding that I want to be out exercising, which is helping me achieve my goal of losing some weight and getting my flexibility and strength back.
3. School is nearly over. I no longer have my year 12 class which has given me five extra periods a week to get things done. While the last week has been mostly spent on getting organised for the term, I am finding that I have more time for marking and doing things for myself like writing and practicing singing. I am going to feel such a sense of relief when I leave here.
4. The new diet. Ben and I are trying a no wheat diet. I was dead set keen when he suggested it but after a couple of days I was whinging about not being able to eat my favorite foods like pasta or bread. Now though I am finding that I am losing weight much easier than I was before, I have more energy and I am getting more creative with what I eat instead of relying on staples of pasta for dinner and eggs on toast for breakfast. It is hard but I am enjoying the results.
I am excited about the future again. This is about the same time last year when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t think I would feel this positive again after we lost the baby, but I am surprised to find that I am. I have a good future to look forward to again. Eating well, exercising and enjoying exercising, singing everyday and learning new things. And all of this with Ben by my side.
I’m excited!
Image by Rammorrison (Flickr)
