So on to the next plan. I sent off an application for AIM (Australian Institute of Music) to study Musical Theatre. I even got back into my singing practice yesterday driving my neighbours nuts with voice exercises and varying performances of “Much More” and “Far From the Home I Love”.

In addition to auditioning for different courses I am working on my singing so I can finally record some performances and put my singing up on YouTube for everyone to see. Most of my friends have never heard me sing, or have only heard me at brief intervals usually after a night karaoke and cocktails. I also want to get fit and record some dance performances but that is a little further off. I want to get the singing done by the end of November at least.

This has been difficult but I feel stronger and more determined because of it. The last few weeks I have been unable to see any life beyond Universal. I was convinced that it was my only way out, now I can see a future beyond this and I am determined to succeed.

Sure it has been great thinking that all of our problems are going to be solved by one phone call from Singapore but what if that phone call never comes? What do we do then?

We made a list of what is important and what goals I have in regards to becoming a better singer and dancer and the possibility of making a career out of it all and we came to the following general plan.

1. I want to study singing and dancing more. The last two years I have been very lazy in my study and as a result I haven’t really improved very much and in the case of dancing I have put on weight, lost a lot of flexibility and lost some skills that I used to find easy. What that means in real terms is I need to find somewhere and something to study so after scouring numerous course and finding ones that offer some of what I want, I am going to apply for BAPA (musical theatre), WAAPA (classical), WAAPA (musical theatre), and AIM (musical theatre).
2. I need to stay at Kolbe till the end of the year which means I have to suck up the fact that I hate it here and deal with it. Unless I have another job to go to, this is my only opportunity to save some money for what is going to be a difficult year next year.
3. Work more on my writing and start to produce some of the things I have written into some form other than just keeping it all to myself. Sure this opens me up to the potential for ridicule but until I try, I will only have failed.
4. Stop looking just at what is going wrong and start to focus on what is going right. I actually have a lot of joy and happiness in my life I just get bogged down in petty crap.

I’m not pretending that I am not upset about missing out on this contract. It would have been a dream come true and would have made so many things simpler. I cried and cried last night when I thought of all that I had lost, but it is time to move on. I can sit here and mope about it or I can do something now. I can have something to look forward to again and besides this means that I can still play Hodel in “Fiddler on the Roof” at the end of the year and that is something I am looking forward to!

One thing we have done to help rectify this situation was to buy a wardrobe big enough for us both to fit our clothes into and Ben allowing me to change the downstairs room into a sort of ‘playroom’ for me, housing my TV, DVDs and Wii. What this has actually meant though was four trips to IKEA to buy not only the wardrobe, but doors for the wardrobe (once we could afford them) and a sofa bed for downstairs. The last week has been a slow transformation of the house.

IKEA furniture is notoriously tricky to build. The instructions seem simple but for some reason we always manage to skip a step or think we know a shortcut only to find ourselves having to dismantle the whole thing and start again. Ben and I managed to survive the ordeal with only one real argument, a feat which I am quite proud of.

Ben was holding the incredibly heavy door up off the ground while I attempted to manoeuvre it into the slot on the hanging rail. It seemed like a good idea at the time but a boy under that much strain can only last for so long and the the cry of “Quick! Put the quilt under the door before I drop it on the floor!” was met by me panicking. I realised that the quilt was stuck under the other door where it wouldn’t budge, I grabbed the next thing I could find which was a cardigan. I mistook Ben saying “Yes! That will work!” for sarcasm and promptly threw the cardigans back on the bed and then freaked out when he yelled at me to put them back. I started crying at being yelled at, Ben got frustrated at me thinking he was being sarcastic and the door wasn’t even in place! Ten minutes later and after seeing the situation from both sides we talked it out and got the door on properly this time. Our marriage had survived IKEA furniture!

So the transformation is slow but I am starting to feel more at home. It is the little things that make it for me, like furniture we have purchased and built together. Next week we will have new bed sheets too, some that we both like! Even silly little things like being shown how to use Ben’s super fancy vacuum cleaner, the dishwasher or the washing machine. Being helpful around the house had made me feel more like I belong and that it is my home too.

It may seem trivial for some but it is important to me and I think Ben is starting to understand that too.

Image by Listen Missy! (Flikr)

Well that time has come again!

Post wedding I have decided to try and figure out some sort of plan again. I have made a budget of all my income and out-goings and was surprised to find I should actually have a fair bit of money left over at the end of each pay, whereas before I was desperately living from pay-check to pay-check. I have also made a list of things I would like to have achieved or at least be on the way to achieving by the end of the year, personal goals such as auditioning for a new show, finish writing one of my own shows, and paying off my astronomical personal loan.

There will be a lot of work involved, I’m not denying that. Some of my goals will take a little longer than others and some I know I will struggle to achieve but I am going to try something different this time around. I am not going to give up at the first sign of failure, I am going to look for the positive side of things. I am going to put everything I can into these goals. From the simple ones of riding to school everyday, to the difficult ones of putting on a full scale production, I am not going to give up at the first sign of difficulty. If I don’t believe in myself then how can I expect anyone else to. If this is what I want to do then I have to do it, no one else is going to do  it for me.

As cliché as it sounds, I am going to think positively and believe in myself.

The results may not be that noticeable at first but even today I feel better for having got out of bed, stopped complaining about how much I hate school and got on with something productive.

Image by IvanClow (flickr)

We have both been looking to the future in one way or another, I don’t think it is any secret that we are both pretty restless in our lives at the moment occupation wise, but we can’t seem to figure out the next step.

I thought coming to Singapore would help me to put that part of my life behind me (I used to study performing arts in Singapore but dropped out rather unceremoniously after a month and a terrible bout of homesickness) but instead I am just as confused as ever. I have too many options and no direction.

So the honeymoon is over, now for the rest of my life to happen, if only I knew where to begin!

Why am I always so frustrated with myself and what I am doing? Do I expect more to have happened to me by now? I haven’t exactly had a dull life but then I haven’t really had an overly exciting one either.

Maybe I just whinge too much.

• I didn’t want to disturb the neighbours
• I had a bit of a cold coming on
• I was tired
• I didn’t have anything to sing

When I looked at my excuses though I started to realise that none of my reasons for not singing were any good at all. It wasn’t that I now hated singing, in fact it was the opposite. I enjoyed singing so much, the sense of freedom it gave me I can’t even describe but here I was not singing! So what happened?

I don’t know. I still don’t know. It was like something in my brain said “You are having too much fun and happiness doing this thing that you love. It can’t possibly last. You should just stop now rather than be told to stop in the future.”

How often do I do this? How often do I stop doing something I love for fear that someone or something will tell me to stop. In order to avoid the failure I just make sure that I fail before I even begin.

Well this week I am dusting off the music books, searching for my singing tapes and warning the neighbours, because I have had enough of making myself unhappy and damn it I want to sing! One of my goals for this year was to sing again and four months in I haven’t done anything about it, until now. So now I am going to try and sing, maybe not every day like before, but at least three times a week to begin with. I’m also not going to be too hard on myself if I do miss a day when I shoud be singing. Rather than punishing myself I’ll keep reminding myself of why I am singing in the first place, because it makes me happy, and in the end that should be all the reason and motivation I need.

Image by . 7 (Flikr)

The plan went like this:

Every pay date he would put 20% of his pay into a separate account which could not be accessed. He would work at a school for five years teaching quite happily but then every five years he would take a year off, open that account and live off a full years salary for a year. In that year he could do whatever he wanted, even work if he wanted, but more often than not he would take the money and relax. Here was the smartest PE teacher I had ever met.

The plan is simple. Instead of living within your means, live just below it. Too many people even after receiving a pay rise still find themselves at the end of their pay week completely broke and looking back on what they spent their money on and finding they have regretted their purchases.

Another thing I noticed about him was that he was the youngest looking 57 year old I had ever met. He still had the passion to teach and had not allowed the years of putting up with teenagers, parents and other teachers crap wear him down.

This plan might not work for everyone but it was working for him. Here was a man who was taking control of his life and doing what he wanted to do instead of what everyone expected of him. He is still able to do all the things a man on a full wage is able to do, like looking after his family, paying the bills and going on holiday, but every five years he gets what can’t be bought…freedom.

Image by MigRodz (flickr)

While secretly reading the internet at work (I had reached my Stupidity limit and needed to take time out) I came across this article about How To Focus On What Truly Matters which is becoming more and more important to me these days. The clarity of the announcement moment has worn off slightly and while I still view the world differently, I realise that my actions have not changed all that much.

I am able to choose what is important to me right now and that is a good thing, but I haven’t put any thought into what my life will be like in 10 years.

In 10 years time, I’ll have a 9 year old! Maybe an 8 year old too!

The gravity of the situation is only now starting to sink in. The joy and excitement too.

It feels strange to be making decisions about another person’s life when I have only recently learned how to do it for myself though. So, for the next week, I will spend the first 30 minutes of each day thinking about what truly matters and then do something about it. I’ll post up the results and the end of the week and revise them monthly, to keep things current.

It seems like the least I can do for my kid(s).

Image by Chris Runoff (Flickr).