So this year I would like to write my own review:

I feel as if I have no direction, no safety net, no plan, no idea of anything! I’m really confused about everything. The worst part is I can’t really talk to Ben about it. Every time I say that I am worried he just says “Don’t be! There is nothing to worry about.” If I say “But what if I don’t get in?” He immediately jumps to the conclusion that I have given up already and I have resorted to a mindset of negativity. I honestly haven’t but I am not going to sit naively thinking that everything in my future is laid out nicely because it’s not. There is a very real possibility that I won’t get in just as much as there is a real possibility that I will get in.

I’ve lost my stability is the problem. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a course I’m studying and I don’t have anything on the horizon except an audition that may or may not go ahead. This sucks. I feel happy one moment and very confused and lost the next.

I need patience….and a plan.

I’m tired.

I can’t get to sleep.

It is one of those nights when no matter how much I want to go to sleep, it seems to be the only thing my body won’t let me do. I just can’t get my mind to shut off. I am worried about the future now, and worry does nothing, well nothing but keep you awake that is. I keep thinking over and over again about how unclear the road ahead is. A few short weeks ago everything seemed so sure. I would finish my course this year, enjoy my summer break working, travelling and singing, then next year I would start studying for my Bachelor of Music. It was all so simple right?

Then everything changed…

I’m not unhappy about this at all. It is fantastic that instead of having to wait for three years to start my career as a singer I can start right away. I am just a little overwhelmed with the idea. I also can’t stop with the questions:

• What if the audition for the state opera is successful?
• When do rehearsals start?
• How much would I get paid?
• What is the time commitment?
• Would I just have singing lessons at university or would I do other classes instead?

• What if the audition for the state opera isn’t successful?
• Do I then just enrol in the course?
• Do I try a different route?
• Do I find an agent?
• What do I do with my time?

Heck! I don’t even know when the audition would be! It is all very confusing. I think it is all happening tonight because 1) I had a good day today and my mind can’t cope with that idea 2) Tomorrow would have been my audition for another university which I have now decided not to attend because of the decision made at my performance exam, despite having paid $190 for the audition application (which I am a little annoyed about now) and 3) I really really want a clearer idea of what I am doing and where I am going (which is next to impossible for performing).

I’m hoping now that I have written this down I can at least get some sleep. In the morning I realise I will look at this post and realise how silly I was being. In the meantime…Goodnight!

Image by geodesic (flickr)

Part of me enjoyed the evening a little too much and wished for the days back in highschool where our biggest concern seemed to be what we were going to wear to so-and-so’s birthday party or whether or not it was a good idea to dye our hair blonde…again. I wanted that freedom, but then I remembered all the other things that come with that, things like having no money, working for your entire Saturday only to come home and find you have made $50 that entire day, not being able to drive and still sharing a room with your sister. Maybe it was better the way it is now.

Then I started looking around at what my friends had that I didn’t. They are for the most part single and living on their own so there is a kind of freedom in that too. Like being able to put things wherever you like, having make-up and perfume bottles on a dressing table, bright pictures on the walls and cushions on the couch. Ben is a minimalist so our house is a strange clash of his minimalism, which is currently winning out, over my desire to make everything bright and girly. Sometimes I miss my old house where I lived on my own because everything was the way I wanted it to be.

Then I remember why I live the way I do. I live that way because I want to live with Ben and I want to share my life with him. I’m not pretending that is all I need, there will still be times I will have to fight the urge to paint the lounge room hot pink, but remembering that it is about compromise not about giving up, is its own freedom. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Image: Aftermath of the sleepover (taken by me)

So what exactly has changed?

1. I had my audition on Sunday morning for entry into WAAPA’s classical music course. They said I had a “very pretty” voice and could see a lot of potential. They suggested that I start with the certificate course and then go on to the post-graduate course depending on how my voice progresses. Another footnote is that I should start learning German, Italian and French next year to help with when I get to the post-graduate studies. I have been wanting to learn a language for a while and have been on and off for some time. Hopefully with the motivation of university I will stick with it a little more and push myself. It is very exciting.

2. The change in the weather is great. I am finding it easier to get out of bed in the morning and go to sleep at night. I’m not nearly as tired as I once was and am finding that I want to be out exercising, which is helping me achieve my goal of losing some weight and getting my flexibility and strength back.

3. School is nearly over. I no longer have my year 12 class which has given me five extra periods a week to get things done. While the last week has been mostly spent on getting organised for the term, I am finding that I have more time for marking and doing things for myself like writing and practicing singing. I am going to feel such a sense of relief when I leave here.

4. The new diet. Ben and I are trying a no wheat diet. I was dead set keen when he suggested it but after a couple of days I was whinging about not being able to eat my favorite foods like pasta or bread. Now though I am finding that I am losing weight much easier than I was before, I have more energy and I am getting more creative with what I eat instead of relying on staples of pasta for dinner and eggs on toast for breakfast. It is hard but I am enjoying the results.

I am excited about the future again. This is about the same time last year when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t think I would feel this positive again after we lost the baby, but I am surprised to find that I am. I have a good future to look forward to again. Eating well, exercising and enjoying exercising, singing everyday and learning new things. And all of this with Ben by my side.

I’m excited!

Image by Rammorrison (Flickr)

One of the things I have wanted to do for some time is to study music in a little more detail. I have been studying singing for about seven years now on and off with singing teachers and I attended WAAPA for a little while but I always doubted any talent that I had and never took myself seriously. I want to be serious now. I have been feeling like something is missing and noticing how happy I am when I sing is all the evidence I need to know that I am doing the right thing.

I have applied to study Classical Music (Voice Studies) at WAAPA next year. I have an audition in two weeks as well as a Music Theory test. This is what I am terrified about. I think I am good enough to get into the course but I am panicking about the theory test. I have very limited ability in music theory due to a lack of exposure to the subject. I did learn it for a little while, and enjoyed it, but my learning has been very slow. I don’t want to miss out on this course. I know I am good enough to do really well in it and with my age I am starting to run out of chances to go back to uni and study. I feel like this is my last chance.

I am studying for the test but am still worried that my age, lack of theory and the fact that I don’t have a singing teacher at the moment and haven’t had one for over a year is not going to go in my favour. I want to do this. I need to do this.

Image by (phil h) (flickr)

In the spirit of partially continuing this tradition, I will post this without permission while seeking the same. Ms. Carroll, if you are still out there, can I please put this up here? I assume you wrote it originally and, for what it’s worth, it’s a beautiful description of something many of us might come to experience.

The Awakening – (by Sonny Carroll)

A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.

Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

I found it here, but it’s also here, there and everywhere.

So on to the next plan. I sent off an application for AIM (Australian Institute of Music) to study Musical Theatre. I even got back into my singing practice yesterday driving my neighbours nuts with voice exercises and varying performances of “Much More” and “Far From the Home I Love”.

In addition to auditioning for different courses I am working on my singing so I can finally record some performances and put my singing up on YouTube for everyone to see. Most of my friends have never heard me sing, or have only heard me at brief intervals usually after a night karaoke and cocktails. I also want to get fit and record some dance performances but that is a little further off. I want to get the singing done by the end of November at least.

This has been difficult but I feel stronger and more determined because of it. The last few weeks I have been unable to see any life beyond Universal. I was convinced that it was my only way out, now I can see a future beyond this and I am determined to succeed.

Sure it has been great thinking that all of our problems are going to be solved by one phone call from Singapore but what if that phone call never comes? What do we do then?

We made a list of what is important and what goals I have in regards to becoming a better singer and dancer and the possibility of making a career out of it all and we came to the following general plan.

1. I want to study singing and dancing more. The last two years I have been very lazy in my study and as a result I haven’t really improved very much and in the case of dancing I have put on weight, lost a lot of flexibility and lost some skills that I used to find easy. What that means in real terms is I need to find somewhere and something to study so after scouring numerous course and finding ones that offer some of what I want, I am going to apply for BAPA (musical theatre), WAAPA (classical), WAAPA (musical theatre), and AIM (musical theatre).
2. I need to stay at Kolbe till the end of the year which means I have to suck up the fact that I hate it here and deal with it. Unless I have another job to go to, this is my only opportunity to save some money for what is going to be a difficult year next year.
3. Work more on my writing and start to produce some of the things I have written into some form other than just keeping it all to myself. Sure this opens me up to the potential for ridicule but until I try, I will only have failed.
4. Stop looking just at what is going wrong and start to focus on what is going right. I actually have a lot of joy and happiness in my life I just get bogged down in petty crap.

I’m not pretending that I am not upset about missing out on this contract. It would have been a dream come true and would have made so many things simpler. I cried and cried last night when I thought of all that I had lost, but it is time to move on. I can sit here and mope about it or I can do something now. I can have something to look forward to again and besides this means that I can still play Hodel in “Fiddler on the Roof” at the end of the year and that is something I am looking forward to!

One thing we have done to help rectify this situation was to buy a wardrobe big enough for us both to fit our clothes into and Ben allowing me to change the downstairs room into a sort of ‘playroom’ for me, housing my TV, DVDs and Wii. What this has actually meant though was four trips to IKEA to buy not only the wardrobe, but doors for the wardrobe (once we could afford them) and a sofa bed for downstairs. The last week has been a slow transformation of the house.

IKEA furniture is notoriously tricky to build. The instructions seem simple but for some reason we always manage to skip a step or think we know a shortcut only to find ourselves having to dismantle the whole thing and start again. Ben and I managed to survive the ordeal with only one real argument, a feat which I am quite proud of.

Ben was holding the incredibly heavy door up off the ground while I attempted to manoeuvre it into the slot on the hanging rail. It seemed like a good idea at the time but a boy under that much strain can only last for so long and the the cry of “Quick! Put the quilt under the door before I drop it on the floor!” was met by me panicking. I realised that the quilt was stuck under the other door where it wouldn’t budge, I grabbed the next thing I could find which was a cardigan. I mistook Ben saying “Yes! That will work!” for sarcasm and promptly threw the cardigans back on the bed and then freaked out when he yelled at me to put them back. I started crying at being yelled at, Ben got frustrated at me thinking he was being sarcastic and the door wasn’t even in place! Ten minutes later and after seeing the situation from both sides we talked it out and got the door on properly this time. Our marriage had survived IKEA furniture!

So the transformation is slow but I am starting to feel more at home. It is the little things that make it for me, like furniture we have purchased and built together. Next week we will have new bed sheets too, some that we both like! Even silly little things like being shown how to use Ben’s super fancy vacuum cleaner, the dishwasher or the washing machine. Being helpful around the house had made me feel more like I belong and that it is my home too.

It may seem trivial for some but it is important to me and I think Ben is starting to understand that too.

Image by Listen Missy! (Flikr)