Posts Tagged ‘future’
Secret Single Behaviour
Between work and study I seem to have made very little time for hanging out with my friends. I was so thankful last week when we finally were together to celebrate that our friend Ash had come to visit all the way from Melbourne. When we were in highschool there was nothing better than having a sleepover complete with mountains of food, bad movies, sleeping in the same room telling stories and trying on each others clothes (it makes sense when you are a girl). So what better way to celebrate us being together than by replicating the days of the past, plus a few drinks in the mix now that we are adults.
Part of me enjoyed the evening a little too much and wished for the days back in highschool where our biggest concern seemed to be what we were going to wear to so-and-so’s birthday party or whether or not it was a good idea to dye our hair blonde…again. I wanted that freedom, but then I remembered all the other things that come with that, things like having no money, working for your entire Saturday only to come home and find you have made $50 that entire day, not being able to drive and still sharing a room with your sister. Maybe it was better the way it is now.
Then I started looking around at what my friends had that I didn’t. They are for the most part single and living on their own so there is a kind of freedom in that too. Like being able to put things wherever you like, having make-up and perfume bottles on a dressing table, bright pictures on the walls and cushions on the couch. Ben is a minimalist so our house is a strange clash of his minimalism, which is currently winning out, over my desire to make everything bright and girly. Sometimes I miss my old house where I lived on my own because everything was the way I wanted it to be.
Then I remember why I live the way I do. I live that way because I want to live with Ben and I want to share my life with him. I’m not pretending that is all I need, there will still be times I will have to fight the urge to paint the lounge room hot pink, but remembering that it is about compromise not about giving up, is its own freedom. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Image: Aftermath of the sleepover (taken by me)
I don’t know if it is the change in the weather, the near completeness of knowing what I am going to be doing next year in regards to study or the realisation that I am only seven weeks, three days and one period away from having completed the school year, but I feel great and have felt great for the past few days. Add to that a new diet which Ben and I are experimenting with and all together it is adding up to make a much more stable me.
So what exactly has changed?
1. I had my audition on Sunday morning for entry into WAAPA’s classical music course. They said I had a “very pretty” voice and could see a lot of potential. They suggested that I start with the certificate course and then go on to the post-graduate course depending on how my voice progresses. Another footnote is that I should start learning German, Italian and French next year to help with when I get to the post-graduate studies. I have been wanting to learn a language for a while and have been on and off for some time. Hopefully with the motivation of university I will stick with it a little more and push myself. It is very exciting.
2. The change in the weather is great. I am finding it easier to get out of bed in the morning and go to sleep at night. I’m not nearly as tired as I once was and am finding that I want to be out exercising, which is helping me achieve my goal of losing some weight and getting my flexibility and strength back.
3. School is nearly over. I no longer have my year 12 class which has given me five extra periods a week to get things done. While the last week has been mostly spent on getting organised for the term, I am finding that I have more time for marking and doing things for myself like writing and practicing singing. I am going to feel such a sense of relief when I leave here.
4. The new diet. Ben and I are trying a no wheat diet. I was dead set keen when he suggested it but after a couple of days I was whinging about not being able to eat my favorite foods like pasta or bread. Now though I am finding that I am losing weight much easier than I was before, I have more energy and I am getting more creative with what I eat instead of relying on staples of pasta for dinner and eggs on toast for breakfast. It is hard but I am enjoying the results.
I am excited about the future again. This is about the same time last year when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t think I would feel this positive again after we lost the baby, but I am surprised to find that I am. I have a good future to look forward to again. Eating well, exercising and enjoying exercising, singing everyday and learning new things. And all of this with Ben by my side.
I’m excited!
Image by Rammorrison (Flickr)
After some unhappiness this past year and after examining a lot of the things I want to be doing with my life but I currently seem to be putting them on the back burner, I have decided to change the way I do things. I am starting to realise that the only time I have is now and if I don’t do the things I want to do now then chances are I will never get around to doing them.
One of the things I have wanted to do for some time is to study music in a little more detail. I have been studying singing for about seven years now on and off with singing teachers and I attended WAAPA for a little while but I always doubted any talent that I had and never took myself seriously. I want to be serious now. I have been feeling like something is missing and noticing how happy I am when I sing is all the evidence I need to know that I am doing the right thing.
I have applied to study Classical Music (Voice Studies) at WAAPA next year. I have an audition in two weeks as well as a Music Theory test. This is what I am terrified about. I think I am good enough to get into the course but I am panicking about the theory test. I have very limited ability in music theory due to a lack of exposure to the subject. I did learn it for a little while, and enjoyed it, but my learning has been very slow. I don’t want to miss out on this course. I know I am good enough to do really well in it and with my age I am starting to run out of chances to go back to uni and study. I feel like this is my last chance.
I am studying for the test but am still worried that my age, lack of theory and the fact that I don’t have a singing teacher at the moment and haven’t had one for over a year is not going to go in my favour. I want to do this. I need to do this.
Image by (phil h) (flickr)
I came across this poem while travelling the intertubes today and, after a bunch of searching about the place, I have realised that a) it’s not the original version and b) the women who wrote it, Sonny Carroll, has, in the last 10 years or so, had various domain names which she has allowed to lapse and remains reasonably googlically mysterious – aside from writing some very nice poetry that seems to have been treated like the recipe for beer (I love what you have done here, but I think my version is better).
In the spirit of partially continuing this tradition, I will post this without permission while seeking the same. Ms. Carroll, if you are still out there, can I please put this up here? I assume you wrote it originally and, for what it’s worth, it’s a beautiful description of something many of us might come to experience.
The Awakening – (by Sonny Carroll)
A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
I found it here, but it’s also here, there and everywhere.
Well August has now been and gone and there was no phone call from Universal Studios to say that I had a job as a performer. I would be lying if I didn’t say I was upset by this. I was incredibly upset. There has been massive mood swings from me over the past few weeks, I have honestly been quite unbearable and I love Ben even more (if that is possible) for putting up with me when I am sure no one else would. Every day when the phone had not rung I would get depressed. I would be optimistic in the morning that “Today will be the day”, but by the afternoon that optimism will have changed to incredible darkness and depression. It was hard and now it is kind of relieving to know that there is some closure to it all, even if it isn’t the result I dreamed of.
So on to the next plan. I sent off an application for AIM (Australian Institute of Music) to study Musical Theatre. I even got back into my singing practice yesterday driving my neighbours nuts with voice exercises and varying performances of “Much More” and “Far From the Home I Love”.
In addition to auditioning for different courses I am working on my singing so I can finally record some performances and put my singing up on YouTube for everyone to see. Most of my friends have never heard me sing, or have only heard me at brief intervals usually after a night karaoke and cocktails. I also want to get fit and record some dance performances but that is a little further off. I want to get the singing done by the end of November at least.
This has been difficult but I feel stronger and more determined because of it. The last few weeks I have been unable to see any life beyond Universal. I was convinced that it was my only way out, now I can see a future beyond this and I am determined to succeed.
