Posts Tagged ‘happiness’
Oh the places you will go!
As usual, it seems, it has been a while since I have written on here. Not entirely my fault. I did write two posts on my mobile phone which until recently I thought had been posted. They have since seemed to have disappeared completely. I don’t think it would be worthwhile trying to rewrite them as they were written in a particular space and time which, at this very moment, is no longer applicable. The original meaning of the posts would probably be lost somewhere in trying to recreate what I was then.
That in itself though has got me thinking. I can’t recreate what I was at any time in my past. I can try and I can probably come close but time is always flowing on and the changes, however small they may be, will always have an impact on what I am now.
A friend recently posted about where she was and what she was doing at various intervals in her life. Just last week I was talking to Ben about how when I was eleven I wanted to be a vet. I constantly look at my present and insist that I am not moving anywhere, that I feel “stuck”. So today I thought I would take some time to look back on particular times and places and what I was doing and expected for my future.
23 years ago:
I was five years old. I was attending primary school. My best friends were a boy who lived down the road, Samuel, and two girls Kathy and Tanya. I had just been to see the Little Mermaid and would occupy my time singing and swimming with my legs tied together pretending I was Ariel. My ambition in life was to grow up to be a mermaid. I remember praying every night “When I die can I please come back as a mermaid?”
20 years ago:
It was an Olympic year and our class at school were doing lots of Olympic themed activities including a diary writing exercise on “Where will we be during the 2000 Olympics?” At that stage I was going to Little Athletics and was sure that by the year 2000 I would be representing Australia in race walking or driving my car across the Nullabor to go watch my first Olympic Games.
15 years ago:
In my early years of high school I went a little strange. I still loved my athletics and Disney was still setting my sights on finding a prince but I was also becoming more and more interested in magic, fairies and dragons. I would dress in long skirts, burn incense in my room and spend my weekends in Fremantle. It was about this stage that I started getting interested in sewing. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life which didn’t help with all the pressure of choosing subjects coming up. I was vaguely interested in the idea of becoming a nurse, a doctor or a paramedic.
10 years ago:
Out of high school finally with still no idea of what I wanted to do with my life. I had always wanted to learn how to sing and dance so I enrolled myself in a singing class and a dance class. The classes clashed with athletics training so I made the difficult decision to quit athletics. I loved dancing and felt a freedom that had been missing from me for some time. I had a tiny little voice when I tried to sing and I shook with stagefright but all I could think of was how much joy singing was bringing to me.
7 years ago:
I decided it was about time that I went to university and got a degree in something! I was vaguely interested in writing so I enrolled in a double degree of English and Education. I found something that I enjoyed and I was good at it. I studied hard and finished my degree shortly after with three job offers before graduation. I accepted a position as a English teacher and taught for two years.
3 years ago:
I was offered a position at a school in Singapore to study Musical Theatre. I hadn’t really sung or danced much since starting work as a full time teacher. The audition had awakened something in me and I realised that while I enjoyed teaching and I was good at it, I wasn’t really in love with the idea of being a teacher the rest of my life. I took the position but shortly after I suffered from incredibly depressive home sickness. I came home feeling like I had failed at being a musical theatre performer. I also had no job and I had put my house up for rent so I had no where to live. I had also invested all my savings into the course so I was flat broke. It was one of the worst times in my life. I eventually found a job singing on wine tour boats which was not very fulfilling and moved in with a friend from school. She helped me a lot!
2 years ago:
I found another job teaching. I loved the kids but as a whole I was not happy. The school was a long way away from where I lived and had a very different culture to what I was used to. I felt very lonely. I also celebrated a wonderful moment that year in marrying Ben and going on our honeymoon to Singapore where I was finally able to work through some of the sadness I had felt while I had tried to study there. I was beginning to feel whole again. With Ben’s encouragement I applied to study music.
1 year ago:
I was studying Classical music full time. It was a big change from the musical theatre I had made my main interest for the past ten years. I was learning so many new things and meeting new people. I was also beginning to feel like I was on the right path again. I wanted to sing and to make a career out of singing.
Now:
Today I am at home relaxing with Ben. We have spent the morning in the garden and cooking soup. I feel content and happy. I have school tomorrow starting with an opera rehearsal and followed by Italian classes. I am very happy with where I am. My goals at the moment are to do well at university and improve my technique, audition for more professional work as a singer, and to put on a concert by the end of the year.
Looking back at only a few moments in my life I can see how far I have come and I can also see how I have changed the direction I am headed. The change isn’t bad. Some things ran their course and changed into something else. Other things didn’t work out the way I had hoped. The change has been good for me and I hope I continue to change. For the moment though I need to sing.
Image by Tommy Klumker (Flickr)
Well the silly season has ended and it is a new year, well it has been for over a week now but this is the first time I have had the motivation to write on here! A new year means new opportunities, new experiences and new expectations for the year. About this time last year I wrote out my expectations for the year. It was a list of things I wanted to achieve, not New Year’s resolutions more intentions. Things that I intend to do because I want to do them not because I feel on some level that I should. So the time has come to have some new expectations for myself for the year 2012.
Work on my singing and treat myself as a professional singer.
What does this mean?
It means I have to put in the effort if I want to turn out to be a successful singer of any kind. That means I will have to practice every day and practice in a meaningful way.
What will it look like?
Every day you will see me practising my singing. I will also work on my music theory and keyboard skills so I can improve as a musician. It will also mean that I will be working professionally as a singer. This year I will get my first professional contract.
Continue to work on my language studies, with a bit more focus than in the past.
What does this mean?
In the past I have gone to my French lessons and completed the bare minimum to stay up with the class. This year I want to study harder. I want to become more proficient as a speaker of French. I would also like to start Italian lessons during the year.
What will it look like?
Every day I will complete activities in French. I will also continue to attend classes at the Alliance Francais. If I have the opportunity to interact with French speakers I will speak French to them and not resort to English first.
Save money for the future, whether that be babies, moving house, travel or singing expenses.
What does this mean?
I would like to build up a small amount of money so that if we want to go travelling or I need to go to Melbourne for an audition than I don’t have to worry about it. I would also like to have some money saved to help support us in the event that we finally start having babies.
What will it look like?
I have opened a new account specifically for saving. It rewards me with extra interest each month that I don’t take money out but I do deposit money. I am going to aim to deposit $100 every Friday morning into the account.
Look after my body.
What does this mean?
I don’t always do the best things for my body. I eat junk including a lot of sugar. I would like to improve my health through watching what I eat. I would also like to lose some of my unwanted weight, some of which will be lost through change of diet the rest I hope to lose through exercising more efficiently.
What will it look like?
You will see me eating healthier food and exercising. I am going to try and follow the diet Ben went on last year. It wasn’t really a diet but more a change in the food I eat and when. It isn’t a difficult thing to follow if I truly want to look after my body.
Travel more.
What does this mean?
Without a doubt one of the best parts of 2011 was travelling with Ben to France. This year we already have a trip planned for Bali at the end of January and a trip to Japan for around April / May. I would love to travel as much as possible with Ben this year and maybe even by myself.
What will it look like?
I would love to do another big trip this year with Ben in addition to the two short trips of Bali and Japan. I will need to save money and look out for flight specials but I would hope that at the end of this year Ben and I will be experiencing our third trip of the year.
Spend meaningful time with Ben.
What does this mean?
Ben and I spend a lot of time together but I want to spend more meaningful time with Ben. I want to do things that are active and leave us both feeling better for it.
What will it look like?
We will continue to do the things we already do together like eating our meals together and watching silly shows on iView but we will also spend time out of the house, spending time with friends and family. Being kind to each other and enjoying each other’s company.
I had a singing lesson today and I feel just as lost as I did two days ago. What am I doing? I feel like I am pinning all my hopes of a career as a singer on this one audition. Ben is telling me to be positive, focus on the audition and do the best I can. To an extent that is exactly what I am doing but where do I draw the line between believing in myself and my abilities and over committing to the one idea? This isn’t a sure thing. I might not get in. I’m not being negative, I’m being realistic. What is the back-up plan?
I feel as if I have no direction, no safety net, no plan, no idea of anything! I’m really confused about everything. The worst part is I can’t really talk to Ben about it. Every time I say that I am worried he just says “Don’t be! There is nothing to worry about.” If I say “But what if I don’t get in?” He immediately jumps to the conclusion that I have given up already and I have resorted to a mindset of negativity. I honestly haven’t but I am not going to sit naively thinking that everything in my future is laid out nicely because it’s not. There is a very real possibility that I won’t get in just as much as there is a real possibility that I will get in.
I’ve lost my stability is the problem. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a course I’m studying and I don’t have anything on the horizon except an audition that may or may not go ahead. This sucks. I feel happy one moment and very confused and lost the next.
I need patience….and a plan.
I sang my three pieces for my exam and felt amazing. I was incredibly happy with how I had performed. I had the right amount of nervous energy to get me through but not so much that it interfered with my breathing. For the first time in the past few days I felt happy about singing again. I had done that performance exam for myself and not for anyone else.
After I had finished singing I was a little bit surprised when the head of Classical voice asked if I would mind her having a chat with me. A look of terror must have passed over my face but I said “Sure. That would be great.” I was prepared for the worst, a list of reasons as to why I hadn’t been offered a place into university something along the lines of:
- You’re too old
- We don’t see any potential in you anymore
- It would be a waste of our time to teach you
- You haven’t improved
- You don’t have the right attitude to be a performer
Every single negative thing I could think of passed through my mind in the split second between the words “Chat” and “Sure”. I sat down a little apprehensively, and suddenly lost the ability to speak.
“You’re probably wondering why you weren’t offered a place in the Bachelor Course.”
I nodded
“It was a very difficult decision to make. Linda (my vocal teacher) and I spent a good amount of time discussing your situation. You have a good voice. There is no denying that. What we wondered though was whether this is the right place for you?”
Cue big puppy dog eyes and a sudden urge to start crying.
“We could keep you here for the next three years and you would come out as a very fine singer but you would also come out a lot older. Most of the girls going out into the profession are your age or a couple of years younger. So we thought, why delay.”
A stunned expression then crossed my face mixed with a tiny bit of confusion and hopefulness.
“Your voice is ready now to go out and work as a singer. We are prepared to help you as much as we can, starting with getting you an audition with the new Music Director for the state Opera. We believe that you are mature enough and you have demonstrated to us your ability to learn from watching and participating whenever an opportunity has arise. We think you would learn a lot more through singing in the Opera chorus and working your way up through the ranks, the more traditional route you could say.”
My mouth has dropped open and I don’t know who to look at.
“We will help you prepare for the audition, you can continue singing lessons here with us and we will help you in any way we can. If you decide that actually you’d like to do the course than we are happy to offer you a place instead. So what do you think?”
It suddenly occurs to me that I need to speak coherently.
“I can’t believe this. The last five days I have been going over and over in my head “What did I do? What didn’t I do? I didn’t know what had happened”
“You did brilliantly at your audition, the improvement from the beginning of the year has been wonderful. Even from the audition to your exam today there has been a huge improvement. You work hard and it shows.”
The rest of the conversation sort of tapered out into discussion of where to go from here. I would have to email them to let them know if I wanted to go ahead with the Opera audition or if I wanted a place in the course. I couldn’t stop smiling and by the time I had reached the door to the Music Auditorium I was in tears.
At the bottom of the stairs was my accompanist, Tim and a friend who had his exam next, David. They both looked really worried at my crying. They both knew I hadn’t got into the course I so desperately wanted to get into. All I could stammer was “They told me why I didn’t get in.” and then I explained about the Opera and the option I had been given. Their faces went from worry to happiness. Ben was there too and I hugged him with excitement, I then hugged them both too.
I was so happy! My life is taking a huge change of direction.
Photo of me taken on my way home from the exam. I couldn’t wipe that smile off my face all day!
For the past three or four years I have noticed that I have been sick a lot. As soon as the first day of winter hits, or someone so much as sneezes within a one hundred meter radius of me I immediately fall sick with a cold or flu and then stay that way until the first hot day of spring. That is until this year.
I haven’t really been avoiding sick people all that much, a girl in my class has been sick for four weeks with the flu and she sneezed on my face (by accident of course, it was grosse then but kind of funny now). Even Ben has been sick lately, but not me!
I don’t know why. I don’t think I have any magical immunity or great secret. Although I do stand by my mums excellent advice of keeping my feet warm all the time. I just think I am too happy at the moment to bother with sickness.
The mind is a wonderful thing and if I can stay happy, and there is nothing stopping that, then I believe I will continue in my non sickness ways. I have so much to be happy about at the moment and I have plenty of warm socks so I am set for the rest of winter!
