“I will run every morning before breakfast”
“I will study French every day”
“I will lose five kilos by March”

I set goals for myself all the time. Sometimes they are wild crazy goals. Sometimes they are quite simple. They do have one thing in common though and that is that I set them and then fail to see them through to their complete extent. Take this for example:

When I was younger I used to do race walking. It’s that weird sport which looks like a mix between running and wiggling your bum a lot. When I was fourteen I set the goal of winning a state medal that year. I didn’t care what medal I just wanted to win one. That year I trained harder than I ever had before. My times improved dramatically over the season. I even tracked the rankings throughout the year and saw that I had the second fastest time and the most consistent time out of my age group. I was going to go to the state championships and win my medal!

So what happened?

I went to the zone qualifier and nearly got disqualified after being given two cautions for contact and a warning for knees. I never got cautions. I was one of the cleanest walkers in the competition. This really shook me up and I finished with a time that was nearly double my personal best.

I then went to the states so worried that I would be disqualified that I performed terribly. On my final lap all I remember is crying because I knew I had stuffed it so badly. In the end I finished fourth.

So what is the point of this story? The point is I have a habit when it comes to goal setting, a habit stretching back to childhood. The example above is just one of many that I can think of off the top of my head. My habit is that when I want something so badly that I set a goal to achieve it I then go about self sabotaging myself so that it is near impossible for me to achieve it.

I want to stop this. One step is to break the goal up into smaller more achievable steps. Another is to do some preparation before setting the goal so I know what I am getting myself in for and are prepared for the hard work to come. The most important thing though is to break the habit.

I got to school late and had to enter the staff meeting late, to which the principal throw a very dirty look at me. I was getting off to a flying start. I was then ignored by the deputy principal who I have been trying to chase up for a week now about having an induction to the school. I have been working there for three weeks now and still have not had an induction, something which is greatly concerning me because I still don’t know how the school is run, what resources are available or even what to do if I need to call in sick.

I then taught for two periods the most disorganized and uninspired lessons I have ever taught. If I’m not motivated to be at school it often shows in my teaching as it would for anyone in any occupation. I felt like crap for doing this. I like teaching and I like teaching good lessons but these were just terrible.

I then got back to my office to find a message on my phone from Western Ultrasound. They wanted to know why I hadn’t come in for my ultrasound that morning. An appointment I had asked Ben to cancel over a month ago and which he assured me he had. As soon as I heard the message I burst into tears.

My mind went into overdrive thinking about how far along I would be by now, how big my tummy would be, what I would be able to see on the ultrasound, the sex of the baby, finally having a picture of the baby to show everyone, everything to do with the baby and the expectations of having a baby came flooding back and I couldn’t handle it.

All I wanted to do was run away and get back into bed with that little cat from the morning. Forget what had happened and start the day again.

I hate these little things popping up all the time and wonder when they will all stop because on days like this it really is too much to handle.