Posts Tagged ‘important’
On the nature of relationships
I have a friend who is going through some tough times at the moment and, during the course of some email tennis, there are a few paragraphs that I think bare repeating.
Would you change him, so that you could keep him? If you were to forgive what seems unforgivable (and believe me, it is forgivable, but maybe not just yet) and continue from roughly where you left off, what would you have to change, in your deeply held beliefs about relationships, so that you could REALLY be back in the relationship?
A lot huh?
About the same amount of things you’ll have to change to have your next serious relationship with whomever comes along.
Coupled with…
Know that when you are in a relationship, you choose to be in it and there will always be unexpected stuff coming at you. It is the nature of a relationship between two (or more) people that things will not go “as planned” and so, as you get more experienced with being in relationships, you stop making plans and stick to a generally agreed upon “basic outline” that can be reviewed at any time all members are together.
It has taken me, personally, ~15 years to figure this out and, while I think I’ve got it mostly worked out, I know that I could also have it completely wrong. While I am not exactly “fine” with that, I am okay with the idea that it doesn’t matter so much, as long as I am willing to throw out my old ideas and learn something new when the situation requires it.
I don’t really have much to add, outside of the context of the situation, other than: Relationships are curious things, the more I have the more I realise how much more there is to learn about them.
Why am I the one who always has to change?
Uh oh, here’s trouble. I have come across this question pretty often in fact, it used to be one of my favourites. I think it’s a personal growth milestone of some kind. I remember being the poster boy for this phrase not so long ago (well, okay, a couple of years back).
I’m going to try to explain an answer. Strap yourselves in, it’s going to be bumpy!
Has anything ever worked out for you? Have you ever had something work out better than expected? Maybe? Okay, so let’s change this litte bit here…
Why am I the one who frequently has to change?
When you say “change”, it sounds like a bad thing? Do you mean you don’t like it when you get better results? So those are okay, so you really just don’t like it when you don’t get what you want, but only when you get less than you want? Can we make another little change then?…
Why am I the one who frequently has to be satisfied with less than I wanted?
Is this still what you are talking about? Can we make another teeny, tiny substitution?
Why am I the one who frequently has to be satisfied with less than I expected?
Now we are getting somewhere! What you seem to be saying is that you don’t like it when your results fall short of your expectations. So, if you were making a cake, it sucks when it doesn’t rise after you followed the instructions? Can I run with that for a second…? What if you missed a step? Would you be disappointed if it didn’t work out after you missed a step? Not really? What if the instructions weren’t complete? Same thing. Alright, what if someone gave you the instructions? like they wrote them down for you and handed you the note and, for some reason, not everything was on the piece of paper? I mean, it’s not like they did it on purpose; they were in a hurry; the kids needed to be fed; they got the recipe from a friend over the phone because they couldn’t find their own copy and that’s where they got it from in the first place….
That would be understandable then? Hmmm… interesting… Can I wave the magic wand for a second?
Why am I the one who, after following these incomplete instructions, frequently has to be satisfied with things don’t go as I expected?
Weeeeeeeell, that was a bit of a jump, let’s just cement that in with this quick question: Do you think anyone actually has a sure-fire, 100% guaranteed recipe for any of the things that are going awry in your life? Other than cakes, of course!
If I asked you this question, what would your answer be? Pretty obvious now, huh?
The real fundamental shift you have to make is realising that at no stage, no matter what you think, have been told or might infer from stories of success, do you have The Full List of Instructions for Success. At best you have The Partial List of General Steps to Someone Elses Definition of Success.
Until you write the book yourself. But that’s another post altogether.
Image by Monazza Tahla (Flickr)
In light of the recent cavalcade of Very Important Things that Need To Be Done Now; this post by Dawn Michelle stuck a chord with me. It’s something I have worked towards myself, but never formalised. Read the (short) article for more details, but briefly:
- Do no more than 3 important things every day.
- Ask for help.
- Taking a nap is better than doing the project tired.
- Limiting your tasks creates space for play.
- Practise Yoga or Meditation
Emma and I have both noticed the Grumpalunkus has come to visit us more often than usual lately. It’s time to get back on the minimal and happy path again!
Image by lotus8(Flickr).
What does it mean to Live Consciously?
For me; to Live Consciously is to act in a way that is in line with who I am and what I wish to accomplish. It’s a self-realisation that what I do now is non-repeatable and is, therefore, to be treated as a single chance to perform an action that will ultimately lead to the results I want. Everything I do cannot be un-done. There is no “do-over”.
How does that effect my daily life?
For the rest of my life, each day will be the same length of time (24hrs). My experience of time is finite. I am going to die sometime. That means every time I do something I didn’t mean to do, that needs fixing up or smoothing over, I am losing time. If I had thought about it first, I could have adjusted my action(s) in such a way as to reduce or avoid having to clean up afterward. Then I would give me more time to do what I want.
So how do you do it?
I been going down this path for a little while and it recently dawned on me that the way to Live Consciously is to practise Living Consciously. I’m gradually replacing the habit of un-conscious living with a more constructive and useful one. There are moments when I sit firmly astride the two though:
Do I really need to have this argument? Am I willing to spend that extra time making up afterwards? Does it really matter if the paper is that shade of blue? Is that really what the argument is about? Or have I just been ignoring her this whole time? Are those shoes new? Was I supposed to say something? Is that what this is all about?
Ultimately there is only forward.
So mean what you do, and do what you mean.
Image by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³ (Flickr).
I haven’t been writing much lately. I know. Finding the energy required to put thoughts on a path (that are worth reading) about has been too difficult. Weird things have been happening.
For instance; During the whole process of sitting in the hospital waiting to find out what’s going on I was able to put all my energy into helping Emma quell her rapidly deteriorating stoicism (if that’s a word). There was nothing I could do to save the baby, but this girl, right here, was well within reach and 100% worth it. I wasn’t thinking about “what if”s. It was about right now.
And because of that the news of the baby wasn’t terribly important.
The implications and effects were important, but discovering there was nothing left to do gave me great freedom to choose what to do next. Save my cheerleader; save my world.
Because. Actually. We CAN have another baby, but there will never be another Emma.
I’m not sure how people will take that. It doesn’t truely matter. What matters (to me) is that Emma is alive, sane and close.
Focus is important, sure. Focusing ON the important is critical.
