Posts Tagged ‘life’
On the nature of relationships
I have a friend who is going through some tough times at the moment and, during the course of some email tennis, there are a few paragraphs that I think bare repeating.
Would you change him, so that you could keep him? If you were to forgive what seems unforgivable (and believe me, it is forgivable, but maybe not just yet) and continue from roughly where you left off, what would you have to change, in your deeply held beliefs about relationships, so that you could REALLY be back in the relationship?
A lot huh?
About the same amount of things you’ll have to change to have your next serious relationship with whomever comes along.
Coupled with…
Know that when you are in a relationship, you choose to be in it and there will always be unexpected stuff coming at you. It is the nature of a relationship between two (or more) people that things will not go “as planned” and so, as you get more experienced with being in relationships, you stop making plans and stick to a generally agreed upon “basic outline” that can be reviewed at any time all members are together.
It has taken me, personally, ~15 years to figure this out and, while I think I’ve got it mostly worked out, I know that I could also have it completely wrong. While I am not exactly “fine” with that, I am okay with the idea that it doesn’t matter so much, as long as I am willing to throw out my old ideas and learn something new when the situation requires it.
I don’t really have much to add, outside of the context of the situation, other than: Relationships are curious things, the more I have the more I realise how much more there is to learn about them.
While wandering the internet I came across this (emphasis mine).
You can’t have a good day, you need to make it a good day.
Sometimes, when it seems like everything is going wrong, it takes a little more energy to notice the good things. I have learned that, with practise, it get’s easier and easier to do. The trick is to get started early, when things aren’t going “wrong”.
When you realise you are having a good day, practise making it better. Notice that you are doing so; notice your self into a good habit. Then, when a day isn’t working out so well, you have the tools to make it better.
Do so.
Why am I the one who always has to change?
Uh oh, here’s trouble. I have come across this question pretty often in fact, it used to be one of my favourites. I think it’s a personal growth milestone of some kind. I remember being the poster boy for this phrase not so long ago (well, okay, a couple of years back).
I’m going to try to explain an answer. Strap yourselves in, it’s going to be bumpy!
Has anything ever worked out for you? Have you ever had something work out better than expected? Maybe? Okay, so let’s change this litte bit here…
Why am I the one who frequently has to change?
When you say “change”, it sounds like a bad thing? Do you mean you don’t like it when you get better results? So those are okay, so you really just don’t like it when you don’t get what you want, but only when you get less than you want? Can we make another little change then?…
Why am I the one who frequently has to be satisfied with less than I wanted?
Is this still what you are talking about? Can we make another teeny, tiny substitution?
Why am I the one who frequently has to be satisfied with less than I expected?
Now we are getting somewhere! What you seem to be saying is that you don’t like it when your results fall short of your expectations. So, if you were making a cake, it sucks when it doesn’t rise after you followed the instructions? Can I run with that for a second…? What if you missed a step? Would you be disappointed if it didn’t work out after you missed a step? Not really? What if the instructions weren’t complete? Same thing. Alright, what if someone gave you the instructions? like they wrote them down for you and handed you the note and, for some reason, not everything was on the piece of paper? I mean, it’s not like they did it on purpose; they were in a hurry; the kids needed to be fed; they got the recipe from a friend over the phone because they couldn’t find their own copy and that’s where they got it from in the first place….
That would be understandable then? Hmmm… interesting… Can I wave the magic wand for a second?
Why am I the one who, after following these incomplete instructions, frequently has to be satisfied with things don’t go as I expected?
Weeeeeeeell, that was a bit of a jump, let’s just cement that in with this quick question: Do you think anyone actually has a sure-fire, 100% guaranteed recipe for any of the things that are going awry in your life? Other than cakes, of course!
If I asked you this question, what would your answer be? Pretty obvious now, huh?
The real fundamental shift you have to make is realising that at no stage, no matter what you think, have been told or might infer from stories of success, do you have The Full List of Instructions for Success. At best you have The Partial List of General Steps to Someone Elses Definition of Success.
Until you write the book yourself. But that’s another post altogether.
Image by Monazza Tahla (Flickr)
I came across this poem while travelling the intertubes today and, after a bunch of searching about the place, I have realised that a) it’s not the original version and b) the women who wrote it, Sonny Carroll, has, in the last 10 years or so, had various domain names which she has allowed to lapse and remains reasonably googlically mysterious – aside from writing some very nice poetry that seems to have been treated like the recipe for beer (I love what you have done here, but I think my version is better).
In the spirit of partially continuing this tradition, I will post this without permission while seeking the same. Ms. Carroll, if you are still out there, can I please put this up here? I assume you wrote it originally and, for what it’s worth, it’s a beautiful description of something many of us might come to experience.
The Awakening – (by Sonny Carroll)
A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
I found it here, but it’s also here, there and everywhere.
One of the most asked question I hear these days is
“How’s married life treating you.”
It’s a multiple-part answer.
- Married Life is awesome!
- it’s not any different from the life that we had before getting married, really, other than that now we are married.
- there is an elusively mysterious feeling of certainty that I have become aware of that I find is inextricably linked to being specifically married to Emma. I like it, but it’s still quite weird – like I have eaten a particularly satisfying relationship cake and now I am laying on a metaphorical couch enjoying the view of the same cake, un-eaten.
- I am now aware of the times i am wearing the ring and when i am not wearing the ring. Meaning that the ring has changed the feeling i have in my hand (finger specifically) to such an extent that I am neither comfortable with it on or off, but I am aware of it’s status almost all the time.
- when Emma does something nice (make dinner, jokes around, looks pretty) I find that it has an intrinsic goodness to it that previously wasn’t available. Conversely, negative actions don’t have this magnification effect, which is interesting and good.
- thinking about the future is less about what i want to do and more about what we will be doing; in a year; two years; ten..?
- I tend to say “my wife” as often as possible, sometimes inventing ways to add it to the conversation.
I checked with my gran to see if these things were all “normal” and, while I didn’t get a straight answer, she seemed very pleased with them all the same. We must be doing something right!
