Posts Tagged ‘love’
Wedding revisited
Five months!!! Ben and I have been married for five months, well actually a little bit longer if you want to get pedantic about it, but WOW! That seems huge. So why the sudden realisation? We attended our first wedding as a married couple together on the weekend, and it was beautiful. It also helped us to revisit what was a very special day for us.
Everyone says that you don’t remember much of your wedding day. It all goes by so fast and most events throughout the day become a blur. It’s true. A lot of our wedding was a blur of meeting people, smiling for photographers and attempting to get fed. Sitting back and B & D’s wedding gave us the opportunity to remember the more important things that happened on our day.
Firstly our vows. I loved the way B & D wrote their own vows. It was cute and heartfelt and very “them”. Ben and I didn’t write our own vows, but we still made the same promises. We vowed to love, honor and cherish each other. We promised to find the good in each other and work together as a family. Hearing B & D make these same promises reminded us of what we had said on that day. It also helped us to put into perspective all the troubles we have been through in the past year and realise that we are doing a damn good job upholding those vows.
The ceremony was beautiful. They tried to make it very individual with things that were uniquely them. They had a hand fasting ceremony and even set aside a time for their daughter A to be welcomed as part of the family. It was well thought through and made the day even more special. I think that is important. We shouldn’t get caught up in trying to do what everyone else has done and do it our own way. I think when Ben and I got married that we successfully did the things we wanted to do.
I guess really I am just feeling a little squishy and sentimental. I am very happy I married Ben.
Image by TiffanyDawnPhoto (Flickr)
I came across this poem while travelling the intertubes today and, after a bunch of searching about the place, I have realised that a) it’s not the original version and b) the women who wrote it, Sonny Carroll, has, in the last 10 years or so, had various domain names which she has allowed to lapse and remains reasonably googlically mysterious – aside from writing some very nice poetry that seems to have been treated like the recipe for beer (I love what you have done here, but I think my version is better).
In the spirit of partially continuing this tradition, I will post this without permission while seeking the same. Ms. Carroll, if you are still out there, can I please put this up here? I assume you wrote it originally and, for what it’s worth, it’s a beautiful description of something many of us might come to experience.
The Awakening – (by Sonny Carroll)
A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.
Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you… and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
I found it here, but it’s also here, there and everywhere.
Ben and I decided back when we were seven weeks pregnant that we wanted to tell close friends and family the good news. The announcement was met with a lot of happiness and on the whole people were happy with the announcement. There were those though that thought it was a bad idea for us to be telling people so soon and their main argument for this was “So much can go wrong in the first twelve weeks. What happens if you lose the baby?” At the time we both thought we were unstoppable, that those sorts of things happened to other people not to us, but it did happen to us.
I’m glad we told everyone because it meant we got to share our joy, however short-lived, with the important people in our lives. We got to talk freely about the pregnancy and baby allowing ourselves to feel some joy and not be ashamed of the circumstances. It was an incredibly joyful time and I think not only brought Ben and I together but also brought our families a little closer together. I know that I definitely feel a lot closer to Ben’s family since the announcement.
Announcing the pregnancy before the week twelve safety zone had passed also meant that we had a lot of support when things did go wrong. My friends understood why I didn’t want to go to Perth Cup with them on New Year’s Day. They understood that it was hard for a few days there to not do anything but watch DVD’s in the dark confines of the house. It also allowed them to help me through this situation because they understood what was going on, nothing was kept in the dark so there was no guessing.
All in all I think we did the right thing in announcing the pregnancy when we did and next time I intend to do the same thing.
Image by Joyseph (Flickr)
I just got back from spending time with Ben’s family. It was the first time we had seen them since Christmas and the first time since we had lost the baby. It was hard and I don’t entirely know why.
There were times when I felt like I had let them down, like somehow everything was my fault. I felt like I had built their hopes up only to destroy them a few weeks later. It was a pressure I didn’t think I would feel and I wasn’t expecting it so I was somewhat unprepared. A few times during the night I had to excuse myself for fear of crying in front of them, but when I actually stopped to think about why I was crying I realised it was silly. I hadn’t let anyone down.
I guess it was a lot more difficult than I was expecting. I’m going to have to just approach these moments as they come. During the last week I have had to face friends and family with hesitation on both sides. I think though the best thing to do right now is to spend time with people who love me because they are the ones who are going to be there for us now and in the future.
Things are slowly getting easier and the tears are furthur apart. We will get through this. I will get through this.
I loved another person with all my heart, without seeing them, without knowing them, without knowing any intricacies of their being. All I knew was that they were mine and I was meant to love them. Now that it is over I don’t know how to feel. The books tell me I should be angry and sad and bargaining with some unseen being to bring my baby back but I don’t feel any of that. All I feel is the love I had and still hold with me.
Ben and I loved this baby, this little life we were creating, even though it was so small. Sure at the beginning we were a little unsure and scared but we grew together to figure out ways around and over the difficulties. We read, we asked questions, we talked to each other and every step of the way we tried to be the parents we wanted for T-rex.
This isn’t the end, just a new beginning. If nothing else, we have learnt a lot about ourselves and each other, and the next time around we will know all the more how to handle those first few months. They were hard and today and last night were the hardest moments in it all. I’m not expecting to feel okay about it all over night, but every moment that passes is a moment closer to feeling okay again and being brave enough to try again.
The excitement is still there too. I still want to have children and I still want to have them with Ben. We just have to wait a little bit longer for it to happen. In the meantime we can keep learning and preparing ourselves even better for our second time around.
One day we will meet T-rex again, just not as soon as we had anticipated.
Image by Andreanna (Flickr)
