Posts Tagged ‘performing’
The Performing Mother
Ben took me to visit an old friend of his. He had been trying to get us to meet for some time due in part to the fact that I had now married him and that this friend had not met me, and because I and this friend had the shared interest of performing. I think on some level he was hoping for us to hit it off and start organising concerts together, that isn’t off the table yet but I still need time to get a little more confident before I launch into that sort of thing. I will admit now that I was a little intimidated by her immense talent for playing the piano. I can barely stomp out a rendition of happy birthday while she could play you every classical piece of music ever written by memory.
I am really glad I met her. Not only because of the potential for us to perform at some time in the future, but also because of what I learnt from watching her interact with her family and from some of the things she said.
Firstly she has two small children, remarkable children in fact but that is going to be the topic of my next post when I get around to writing it. I think I can safely say that she has sacrificed a lot for the sake of these kids, things like being able to go to Europe and perform or casually throw everything in to see how far she could get as a performer, but then I don’t think she would have it any other way. She really loves her kids and has managed to work her performing around them.
Having children is hard. We had only come over to visit for afternoon tea but we were soon invited to stay for dinner. It was around 6pm when we were asked if we wanted to stay so we accepted. Then things got interesting. Firstly the kids had to be washed, then fed, then read bedtime stories, then taken to the toilet, then put to bed, then taken to the toilet again…I think you get the idea. It was three hours before us adults could sit down and eat. How did she find time to organise anything with that sort of schedule just for bedtime?
I still really want kids but I don’t want to give up everything for the sake of them. Ben and I have still decided to wait at least until I finish this course this year. I don’t want to use my kids as a reason for not doing what I want to do. I am the kind of person who will tie myself to one place, if Ben would let me, and forget about all the ideas and dreams I had. I would talk myself out of things and I would use kids as an excuse. For that reason I am not ready yet to have the children I still really want.
It was an interesting evening where I got to see how one family was dealing with the little things life throws at them. I think I learnt a lot, and the rest I am still figuring out.
Image by Irina
Ben pointed something out to me the other day that I hadn’t noticed, at least not for a long time. In amongst all my troubles with school, feelings of not belonging and general stress about what the future is going to bring, I have still been able to be so exited and happy that I can’t sit still. These moments don’t happen very often but they can be pin pointed to times when I have either just finished singing at the theater, after a rehearsal for Fiddler on the Roof or when I am listening to Britney at home.
The things that make me happiest are all linked to my love of theater, performing and music, but then how do I bring this happiness out so it isn’t so sporadic? I miss being happy. The kind of happy I remember from being a kid. Where school was exiting and playing outside in the sun or the rain was joyful.
Have I just gotten old?
Have I forgotten how to be happy?
Have I forgotten how to play?
or Have I decided that these things aren’t as important as the responsibilities I now have as an adult?
Yesterday I spoke to Ben about these ponderings and together we have decided that it is time that we did something about our future together. We love the time we spend together but we are fairly unsatisfied with the other parts of our lives. I want to feel happy again. I want to feel that what I am doing with my life is fulfilling and exciting.
Image by WarzauWynn (Flickr)
So the honeymoon is over and Ben and I are on the plane on our way home. It has been quite a trip and we have both had a lot of time to unwind, relax and ask the question “Well, what next?”
We have both been looking to the future in one way or another, I don’t think it is any secret that we are both pretty restless in our lives at the moment occupation wise, but we can’t seem to figure out the next step.
I thought coming to Singapore would help me to put that part of my life behind me (I used to study performing arts in Singapore but dropped out rather unceremoniously after a month and a terrible bout of homesickness) but instead I am just as confused as ever. I have too many options and no direction.
So the honeymoon is over, now for the rest of my life to happen, if only I knew where to begin!
My past has come back to bite me in the arse and it hurts. Sure I have made some pretty crappy decisions in the past, decisions which have left me with huge debt and not much to show for it. I think there are a lot of people like me out there and while it sucks to owe people money the real problem is that it has also restricted my freedom to a fair extent.
Take for example my current predicament. I have been offered a position performing in a children’s show in Singapore. Sounds fantastic right? It is. They pay for accommodation, food, air fares and I get paid per show I perform in. So what is the problem? The contract is only for three weeks, starting on the first of June, which would mean I would have to quit my job teaching at School to be able to take it. I can’t quit my job at School and go to Singapore without having another job lined up right after coming back due to how often and how much I owe on my loans. I’m also supposed to give a terms notice for quitting from a school.
There is also the fact that not only does School offer a steady paycheck but when it comes down to it, it is quite simple work, I plan everything in advance so I don’t have to take anything home, I usually get home by 4pm and when I am being truly honest with myself I do enjoy the work.
I guess it is about being patient and hoping that the opportunity presents itself again even though I really really want to take the job now.
Image by Enea (Flickr)
