I didn’t come to this realisation easily. It was only recently, in fact, that I accepted the above statement. I was reading through a workbook we were given at the Catholic Marriage Education Services course last weekend.

From the book (which they got from somewhere else):

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice; you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way; you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem; you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen!

All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do – just hear me.

Advice is cheap and I can do for myself; I’m not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself; you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But,
when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling. And, when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

So please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; And I’ll listen to you.

[I changed some punctuation and emphasis, but it's essentially the same. There are many versions on the internet]

So yesterday I practised when Emma was telling me about how she felt. I found it really difficult to just accept what she was saying and respond in kind. I’m not sure how the whole thing was received and problaby won’t be for a few days or weeks, but I’m going to give it more time.

Obviously I need more practise!

Image by fofurasfelinas (flickr).