Posts Tagged ‘sad’
I just got back from spending time with Ben’s family. It was the first time we had seen them since Christmas and the first time since we had lost the baby. It was hard and I don’t entirely know why.
There were times when I felt like I had let them down, like somehow everything was my fault. I felt like I had built their hopes up only to destroy them a few weeks later. It was a pressure I didn’t think I would feel and I wasn’t expecting it so I was somewhat unprepared. A few times during the night I had to excuse myself for fear of crying in front of them, but when I actually stopped to think about why I was crying I realised it was silly. I hadn’t let anyone down.
I guess it was a lot more difficult than I was expecting. I’m going to have to just approach these moments as they come. During the last week I have had to face friends and family with hesitation on both sides. I think though the best thing to do right now is to spend time with people who love me because they are the ones who are going to be there for us now and in the future.
Things are slowly getting easier and the tears are furthur apart. We will get through this. I will get through this.
When we heard the news that we had miscarried we were given three choices with how to deal with the situation.
1. Natural: letting the body deal with what had happened naturally.
I liked the idea of this because it meant that I wouldn’t be invaded in any way. We could let nature take its course and be given a time to say goodbye. I didn’t like the idea of this though because it meant a very drawn out process, it could take up to nine weeks for everything to be okay again, and as horrible as this sounds I wanted to move on from this period of my life as soon as possible so we could both start to look to the future.
2. D and C: surgery to remove the products of conception.
The only things about the D and C that appealled to me were the high success rate of the procedure and the fact that it would all be over within a day and the body could start healing all over again almost immediately. I didn’t like the idea of my uterus being scraped out. There was too much finality there without any sense of being able to say goodbye and the risk of something going wrong weighed heavily on me. I also don’t react to anaesthetic very well and didn’t like the idea of being put under without waking up to Ben holding my hand. This seemed like a last resort for me.
3. Misoprostol: tablets which dissolve and open up the cervix.
I ended up choosing this option because it was less invasive and had fewer risks than surgery while still being relatively quick compared waiting for things to occur naturally. It also meant that if it didn’t work I could have the D and C afterwards as a last reort. What I experienced though was not what I had entirely expected.
It was difficult I had to deal with emotional, physical and mental issues while the misoprostol took effect.
Mentally there was the worry that the pills wouldn’t do what they were suppossed to and I would have to undergo a D and C, which I really didn’t want to have to do. In the end they were 90% successful so I am currently on a second course of the tablets and hopefully when I go in to the hospital again next week, the pills will be successful and that will be our last visit. I was also worried about the amount of blood I was loosing. In the first four hours I had to change my pad seven times, it just seemed too much and I was scared I was going to pass out.
Physically it was a lot to deal with. I was perscribed pain killers but I still could feel a lot of pain especially as the first contractions of the uterus started. I was doubled over crying for Ben when they hit and couldn’t deal with what I was seeing or feeling. The pain is a constant dull pain like a strong period pain. While the pain killers and heat packs help I can still feel it there even now.
Emotionally I had to deal with a lot. Sure it was painful, sure I was worried at what was happening but the rush of emotion that overtook me when I started passing tissue was overwhelming. I cried as Ben held me, as I came to terms with what was happening. I was unreasonable and selfish in wht I wanted from the situation. I was hurting. The good thing though was I was able to say goodbye and know for certain that what I had once hoped for and held onto was now gone. I could begin to move on with my life.
Since going on the misoprostol I have been feeling impatient but also a whole lot better. My attitude is much more positive, I have more energy and I am conciously looking toward a happier future where hopefully, I will be pregnant again. I am impatient because I don’t want to wait but know that the real joy is in the waiting.
Through all of this Ben and I have had some wonderful staff look after us at King Edward Memorial Hospital. From newly trained doctors who were terrified to tell us the wrong thing in case we cried in front of them, to overprotective midwives who almost insisted that we cry. We hope, despite them being very nice people, that we won’t have to meet them again and if we do it is for a happy reason not a sad one.
Image by honikum (Flikr)
