Posts Tagged ‘singing’
Why am I doing this?
I am studying at university and on the whole I am learning a lot and enjoying my time there. What I don’t like though is the amount of things I have to do because “it is part of the course”. Things like:
- I have had to complete units which I have done equivalent units for in my last degree.
- I have to learn high level music analysis which I would not have much use for as a singer
- I have to participate in group assignments which are pitched at much younger, inexperienced students
In short I am having to do a lot of stuff which leaves me questioning “Why am I doing this?”
I know that in any degree you invariably learn things that have no real application in the real world. You will always have to learn things that you will never use again, mostly because you have no idea what the future has in store. take for example my last degree. I did two units on teaching TEE level English units (these are the units high level year 11 and 12 students take). On all of my practicals and even when I graduated I never taught TEE English. I found that I had more interest in teaching low ability and learning difficulty students. When I did my degree, however, I didn’t know I was never going to use those units so I completed them anyway.
I guess one of the main differences this time around is that I have much more of an idea of what I want to do with my life so I am able to look at what I am studying with more understanding of how it is going to contribute to my musical life. I just wish I had more say in why I am doing the things I am doing.
I guess this post all came about because last night I had to take part in a production of the Mikado. It was dreadful. I have never been more embarrassed to be a part of a show before. It was highly unprofessional, under directed, under rehearsed and not well organised. I learned a lot about what shouldn’t be done in a production but at the same time I already knew a lot of those things. I have participated in dance concerts and amateur musicals which were more of a professional standard. The most embarrassing thing about it though is that these students (including myself) are hoping to be professionals one day and should be acting like professionals while studying.
I just don’t know why I am doing it, other than to get a tick for that part of the unit.
Image by Bas. K (Flickr)
In ten years time I will look back again just as I did in the post preceding this, but what will I see? The scary thing is that what I will see will be entirely dependant on me. It will depend on the choices I make, the determination I show, the commitment I have and the dedication I prove. At the moment I can dream and I dream that I will fulfill my goals of:
- being a professional singer
- learn to speak a foreign language with proficiency
- have a family
- travel the world
- be happy
Whether these things come about though is dependant on my choices, determination, commitment and dedication. If I keep these dreams at the forefront of my mind and apply myself without excuse then there is no reason why I should look back in ten years and be disappointed with the life that I have chosen to live.
I feel old. I know I’m not but I definitely feel it. I’m 28 years old and I am starting university today. I am going to be surrounded by 17 and 18 year olds who are going to University for the first time. Some of them will probably be in my course. That is a ten-year difference and for some stupid reason it makes me feel like I am too old to be going after my dream and studying singing.
I also feel old because my friends are suddenly going through that stage of getting married and having kids. I’m married but kids are a few years off for me, or at least I think so. There are other things I want and need to do before I can effectively dedicate my time to a tiny human being. A part of me though is aware that if I want to have children this is probably the best time for it. If I wait too long I will simply be too old.
It’s ridiculous I know, but there is no denying the feeling is there. I look back on some of the choices I have made in my life and wish I had taken a different path. Then there is that voice that reminds me that if I hadn’t made those choices I wouldn’t have done some wonderful things, like met and married Ben.
Then there is Hazel. She is a 70 something year old who just graduated from university. I wonder if she felt silly or old when she was studying alongside these young kids. I’m sure that in her eyes I too would come under that classification.
Maybe I’m just making excuses to try to get out of actually doing something I want to be doing. My brain does some incredibly stupid things to me some days.
In the meantime I need to just focus on Hazel and realise that just like her age isn’t a barrier if this is really want I want to do, and if I ask myself honestly I know that this is what I want to do.
Well the silly season has ended and it is a new year, well it has been for over a week now but this is the first time I have had the motivation to write on here! A new year means new opportunities, new experiences and new expectations for the year. About this time last year I wrote out my expectations for the year. It was a list of things I wanted to achieve, not New Year’s resolutions more intentions. Things that I intend to do because I want to do them not because I feel on some level that I should. So the time has come to have some new expectations for myself for the year 2012.
Work on my singing and treat myself as a professional singer.
What does this mean?
It means I have to put in the effort if I want to turn out to be a successful singer of any kind. That means I will have to practice every day and practice in a meaningful way.
What will it look like?
Every day you will see me practising my singing. I will also work on my music theory and keyboard skills so I can improve as a musician. It will also mean that I will be working professionally as a singer. This year I will get my first professional contract.
Continue to work on my language studies, with a bit more focus than in the past.
What does this mean?
In the past I have gone to my French lessons and completed the bare minimum to stay up with the class. This year I want to study harder. I want to become more proficient as a speaker of French. I would also like to start Italian lessons during the year.
What will it look like?
Every day I will complete activities in French. I will also continue to attend classes at the Alliance Francais. If I have the opportunity to interact with French speakers I will speak French to them and not resort to English first.
Save money for the future, whether that be babies, moving house, travel or singing expenses.
What does this mean?
I would like to build up a small amount of money so that if we want to go travelling or I need to go to Melbourne for an audition than I don’t have to worry about it. I would also like to have some money saved to help support us in the event that we finally start having babies.
What will it look like?
I have opened a new account specifically for saving. It rewards me with extra interest each month that I don’t take money out but I do deposit money. I am going to aim to deposit $100 every Friday morning into the account.
Look after my body.
What does this mean?
I don’t always do the best things for my body. I eat junk including a lot of sugar. I would like to improve my health through watching what I eat. I would also like to lose some of my unwanted weight, some of which will be lost through change of diet the rest I hope to lose through exercising more efficiently.
What will it look like?
You will see me eating healthier food and exercising. I am going to try and follow the diet Ben went on last year. It wasn’t really a diet but more a change in the food I eat and when. It isn’t a difficult thing to follow if I truly want to look after my body.
Travel more.
What does this mean?
Without a doubt one of the best parts of 2011 was travelling with Ben to France. This year we already have a trip planned for Bali at the end of January and a trip to Japan for around April / May. I would love to travel as much as possible with Ben this year and maybe even by myself.
What will it look like?
I would love to do another big trip this year with Ben in addition to the two short trips of Bali and Japan. I will need to save money and look out for flight specials but I would hope that at the end of this year Ben and I will be experiencing our third trip of the year.
Spend meaningful time with Ben.
What does this mean?
Ben and I spend a lot of time together but I want to spend more meaningful time with Ben. I want to do things that are active and leave us both feeling better for it.
What will it look like?
We will continue to do the things we already do together like eating our meals together and watching silly shows on iView but we will also spend time out of the house, spending time with friends and family. Being kind to each other and enjoying each other’s company.
I had a singing lesson today and I feel just as lost as I did two days ago. What am I doing? I feel like I am pinning all my hopes of a career as a singer on this one audition. Ben is telling me to be positive, focus on the audition and do the best I can. To an extent that is exactly what I am doing but where do I draw the line between believing in myself and my abilities and over committing to the one idea? This isn’t a sure thing. I might not get in. I’m not being negative, I’m being realistic. What is the back-up plan?
I feel as if I have no direction, no safety net, no plan, no idea of anything! I’m really confused about everything. The worst part is I can’t really talk to Ben about it. Every time I say that I am worried he just says “Don’t be! There is nothing to worry about.” If I say “But what if I don’t get in?” He immediately jumps to the conclusion that I have given up already and I have resorted to a mindset of negativity. I honestly haven’t but I am not going to sit naively thinking that everything in my future is laid out nicely because it’s not. There is a very real possibility that I won’t get in just as much as there is a real possibility that I will get in.
I’ve lost my stability is the problem. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a course I’m studying and I don’t have anything on the horizon except an audition that may or may not go ahead. This sucks. I feel happy one moment and very confused and lost the next.
I need patience….and a plan.
