What am I doing?

I was at this point last year too. I was sick and tired of teaching and wanted to do something different. I found out about studying in Singapore and thought that I had solved my dilemma. The problem was that I hadn’t counted on homesickness or the overwhelming feeling I had that Singapore was too much too soon.

After I returned I floated around a lot. I was still confused and didn’t know what I was doing. Then I got pregnant and suddenly I had something to work towards again. Sure it was unexpected and completely unplanned, but it felt right. I had direction.

Now I feel like I am in the same position I was in at the start of last year. Teaching again, not completely fulfilled with what I am doing and looking for something “more”. My frustrations aren’t helping me to decide what direction to take next, instead I seem to be more consumed with focusing on my frustrations.

So how do I get rid of the frustration, decide what I want to do next and remain positive and happy? In a world of choices I have too many to decide on one. I need someone to point the way, but then I want to know where I am going. I feel like I am being torn into little pieces, between where I am and where all the possibilities of life can take me.

Image by SAMUEL TRIP (flikr)

Take for example my current predicament. I have been offered a position performing in a children’s show in Singapore. Sounds fantastic right? It is. They pay for accommodation, food, air fares and I get paid per show I perform in. So what is the problem? The contract is only for three weeks, starting on the first of June, which would mean I would have to quit my job teaching at School to be able to take it. I can’t quit my job at School and go to Singapore without having another job lined up right after coming back due to how often and how much I owe on my loans. I’m also supposed to give a terms notice for quitting from a school.

There is also the fact that not only does School offer a steady paycheck but when it comes down to it, it is quite simple work, I plan everything in advance so I don’t have to take anything home, I usually get home by 4pm and when I am being truly honest with myself I do enjoy the work.

I guess it is about being patient and hoping that the opportunity presents itself again even though I really really want to take the job now.

Image by Enea (Flickr)

These kids I was teaching had no comprehension of taking control of their lives. They were content with blaming all their misfortune on others leaving them to feel guilt free. They had no direction, no understanding of what a gift they had been given. I started dispensing the following advice, advice that Ben had given me, and at the moment it started to click for them it also clicked for me.

The only person in this world who can change your life is you. Everything that happens to you in your life is a direct result of a choice you made. Think about what power this realisation can hold for you. You have the power to change your life into something you can be proud of.

1. Who am I?

2. What is important to me?

3. What do I want to do with my life?

If you can answer these three questions with conviction then you can start to change your life. you can begin to live the life you want to live, instead of the life you believe you are expected to live.

Nothing is impossible.

Take the time to reflect on these three questions. What would your answers be?

Within the classroom the kids started to think that this was another “What do you want to be when you grow up” lessons. They were reluctant until they started thinking beyond the classroom walls. It was interesting to hear what real dreams they have for their lives. Dreams beyond “I want to be a mechanic”. There were honest thoughts coming out and they stopped thinking about what they thought I wanted to hear and concentrated more on what they wanted to say. It was a wonderful breakthrough.

Image by Paolo Margari (flickr)

I teach a year eleven English class of low ability students, mostly boys. Not only low ability but low motivation too. I had given the boys a worksheet to complete for an assessment something which they  furiously worked on and were somewhat proud of. I was surprised that they were actually interested in this so when a student asked for me to read his work and check if it was okay I was happy to oblige.

It was good and I told him exactly that “It’s good.” to which he replied “Good? Just good or is it sex on a page good?” without missing a beat one of the boys at the back of the room piped up with “Well really it depends who you are having sex with. I mean if it’s with your mum then that is one shit piece of work you are handing up.”

So there I was with two boys who have just said two very funny things and I’m not supposed to laugh at either of them. I tried so hard to tell them off for inappropriate language but my face gave it away. It was funny. It was incredibly witty too for boys like this.

So now I am proposing a new method of grading writing. What level would you give this?

For the record the boys work was “Sex on a page with his hot sister level.” Looks good until you go into the details then it gets sketchy.

Just goes to show that even in the most unlikely of places, you can have a laugh and be surprised.

Image by this is your brain on lithium (flickr)

It is amazing how quickly my life has turned around. Two weeks ago I was miserable. I didn’t want to go into work at all. I used to bitch and whine and generally carry on about how unhappy I was. The I decided to do something about it.

Thinking it was too late to get a job as a full-time teacher (most teaching appointments are done a term in advance and at this point it was a week until school went back) I sent off my CV with a cover letter to every school in the area asking for relief work. I fixed up my teaching portfolio to demonstrate more of my skills as a teacher. I also checked the Catholic Education jobs board, the government schools jobs board and websites like seek.com. I was determined that if anything was advertised I would apply for it and I would get it.

It happened that a job was advertised.

At first I was hesitant. Was this really what I wanted? Then I thought about how miserable I had been at work lately, how happy I had been at the prospect of teaching again, and how excited I had been at re-writing my teaching portfolio. This was the right decision, every part of me was saying so.

I went to the interview and nailed it. I had a bit of a self sabotaging session on the way to the interview which thankfully Ben was able to drag me out of before I ruined this opportunity.

So here I am two weeks into teaching at a new school. I still can’t believe it has all happened so fast. My life is starting to turn around slowly and I am starting to feel happy again. The best part of it is, is that it has been me who has made this change. I had the determination and I did it!

I even get paid maternity leave at this job, if we do try again!

Image by SuperKimbo in BKK (flickr)