Posts Tagged ‘tired’
Sleepless night
It is hot.
I’m tired.
I can’t get to sleep.
It is one of those nights when no matter how much I want to go to sleep, it seems to be the only thing my body won’t let me do. I just can’t get my mind to shut off. I am worried about the future now, and worry does nothing, well nothing but keep you awake that is. I keep thinking over and over again about how unclear the road ahead is. A few short weeks ago everything seemed so sure. I would finish my course this year, enjoy my summer break working, travelling and singing, then next year I would start studying for my Bachelor of Music. It was all so simple right?
Then everything changed…
I’m not unhappy about this at all. It is fantastic that instead of having to wait for three years to start my career as a singer I can start right away. I am just a little overwhelmed with the idea. I also can’t stop with the questions:
- What if the audition for the state opera is successful?
- When do rehearsals start?
- How much would I get paid?
- What is the time commitment?
- Would I just have singing lessons at university or would I do other classes instead?
- What if the audition for the state opera isn’t successful?
- Do I then just enrol in the course?
- Do I try a different route?
- Do I find an agent?
- What do I do with my time?
Heck! I don’t even know when the audition would be! It is all very confusing. I think it is all happening tonight because 1) I had a good day today and my mind can’t cope with that idea 2) Tomorrow would have been my audition for another university which I have now decided not to attend because of the decision made at my performance exam, despite having paid $190 for the audition application (which I am a little annoyed about now) and 3) I really really want a clearer idea of what I am doing and where I am going (which is next to impossible for performing).
I’m hoping now that I have written this down I can at least get some sleep. In the morning I realise I will look at this post and realise how silly I was being. In the meantime…Goodnight!
Image by geodesic (flickr)
The last couple of nights I have been having trouble getting to sleep at a reasonable hour. I have been sleeping lightly, often waking at the slightest movement from either Ben or one of the cats sleeping in the bed next to me. I usually go to bed at a reasonable hour but have been finding that being in bed is not leading to the desired pattern of sleep. Even now as I write this it is over three hours since I went to bed.
What is going on?
Why can’t I get to sleep?
What is plaguing my mind so much that I can’t get it to switch off?
It seems lately that I have nothing much to worry about. I am looking forward to year of studying singing, traveling to France and spending a lot more time at home with Ben. Could it be that now that I am reaching a time of near perfection in my life that my brain just can’t handle it? Seeing no imminent threat has it gone into high alert waiting for the next trouble to come looming over the horizon?
What am I waiting for? I am incredibly happy but I keep unconsciously sabotaging myself. For example I spent an hour today looking for a job. Why?
1. I don’t need a job. I have a casual job already working in a theatre and I love it!
2. I don’t have my timetable for university yet so I don’t even know when I would be free to extra work.
3. My tenant in my house has just signed a 12 month lease on the rental agreement so I don’t really need any more money than I am already making.
The only reasonable solution I can come up with to all this is that my brain can not handle that everything is going along really well at the moment. I am required to sit still for a couple of weeks while I am on holidays waiting for the course to start. Instead of taking that time to relax my brain is taking that time to cause havoc.
Well no more!
I am taking back my brain and getting back to sleep.
I WILL BE MORE AWARE OF MY THOUGHTS AND WHEN I TRY TO SELF SABOTAGE I WILL MAKE A CONCEITED EFFORT TO COUNTERACT THAT ATTACK!!!
And as a back up plan I can always write on here. Writing seems to get my mind off of these things.
With that in mind…goodnight!
Image by Frankincensy (Flickr)
The last few weeks Ben and I have been pushing ourselves a little too hard. Currently I am performing in a production of “Fiddler on the Roof”, while also choreographing the musical “Nine”. Ben has been coming along to “Nine” rehearsals to help out and this has often resulted in him helping out on nights when I am not there too. What this has added up to is two very tired people.
It is production week this week for both shows, they both had their preview tonight and they both open on Friday. As you can imagine there have been a lot of last minute rehearsals happening in a desperate attempt to get things ‘perfect’. This week alone we have been to one rehearsal or the other (or in the case of Sunday both) every day. It has gotten to the point now though when we need to stop. The exhaustion has set in. It is time for a break.
I think the worse thing in all this is that Ben and I don’t seem to be spending as much time together as we usually do. We have also taken to sleeping in separate beds because we seem to get better sleep when there isn’t another body in the bed, and with sleep eluding us we will take what we can get. It isn’t ideal but it works.
I miss waking up and having our slow sleepy mornings together, sharing breakfast together and talking about the day.
I miss coming home at night and spending time unwinding, listening to music, going to the movies or watching a video.
Most of all I miss Ben. We don’t haven’t seen each other much the last two weeks. Hopefully once the shows open we can get back to being awesome together. Because we are pretty damn awesome.
These last few weeks have been hard. I have been sick, I have had major issues at school, I am anxious and stressed. It all exploded not last Tuesday but the one before when after getting spots (like I had before the wedding) I then had a break down at school. The last post I made on here was a whinge about how I had been effectively kicked out of the English department and as a result I was starting to feel less and less like I belong.
I guess I have always felt like I belonged. I have gone through school, work, social clubs, friendship groups, always feeling like I had a place there. The first time I really felt like I didn’t belong was last year when I went to Singapore. Now that feeling is back. I don’t really fit in at school and I guess the whole kicking out of the English department has further cemented that feeling. Last week I missed three days of school to “stress leave” and am now only just starting to feel comfortable at school again.
I am also attributing some of the stress to the anxious waiting about Singapore. For the past two weeks I have been able to console myself with the thought that it was only early August so I wouldn’t know about the job yet, but as of two days ago I have been able to say that “Okay, now it actually is getting into late August. Why haven’t they called yet?”. Every day that goes past adds more to my increasing anxiety that maybe I wasn’t as good as I thought I was at the audition and the jobs have already been handed out and I don’t even know it yet. It is made even worse by the thought that I will be the first one to know if I do have the job whereas Ben will be the first to know if I don’t because he is the only one who has any contacts with other auditionees. It sucks.
So sickness, stress and anxiety and making for a very difficult time for me at the moment. At least I have Fiddler on the Roof rehearsals to keep my mind off things and keep me smiling.
Image by Jenser (Flikr)
My posts lately have been a little all over the shop and a little more spaced out than I would have liked. I made a New Year’s intention (rather than resolution cause they never seem to work and I get too hard on myself if I don’t follow through) to post three new posts a week and this past week i have fallen a little short. I have a reason rather than an excuse and I am attempting to make up for it by posting more now, I’ve been working nights which are exhausting in themselves and I have been sick.
The last month i have been unhappy in my job. I feel like I am exhausted all the time, i seem to get in trouble every second shift and I don’t really know who I can trust at work as I know people have already ‘dobbed’ on me for things I didn’t even do (and yes I mean every sense of the word dobbed, it is like working with children sometimes). The result of all this has been a lot of stress and the resultant illness manifesting itself in a barrage of mouth ulcers (in two weeks I have had ten in total covering all parts of my mouth, cheeks, lips, gums, tongue and throat).
Work isn’t meant to be like this. I have always had the philosophy that work should not be why you live but rather should help you to live the way you want. As the old saying goes “Work to live, don’t live to work”. So I have decided to do something about it. I need to get out of this hurtful environment and into something that is going to make me happy again. I am sick of being miserable and being miserable is making me sick.
I need to start looking at my life and stop doing things that make me unhappy. If I don’t make that commitment now then how can I ever expect to feel good about myself again and ultimately how can I be healthy enough to be pregnant again (after all this is what this blog is about).
