One suggestion was that we wait a year. This would give us a chance to save some money, organise our houses a little better for having a baby, go on holiday and do the travelling we want to do before we start having babies (not that we are going to suddenly stop holidaying but it is a little difficult to do things like skiing with a belly the size of a pig). Waiting will also afford us, and especially me, the time to come to terms with the loss of the last baby and take some time to emotionally heal. I am still hitting those puddles of goo, not as often as before but they are still there.

Another suggestion was to start trying again after the wedding. A compromise of sorts between trying again immediately and waiting a year. One of the reasons we are getting married is because we wanted to raise children together and create a family. It means a lot more to me to be married before we start having babies. It also means I won’t have to worry about not fitting in the wedding dress, not being able to drink at the wedding or what I can and can’t eat. I will be able to relax and enjoy the day.

The last suggestion was to try again straight away. I guess I am only in favour of this option because it would help to ease my mind. I feel at times that I have failed. that losing the baby is somehow a reflection of my ability as a parent. By becoming pregnant again, as silly as this sounds, would make me feel like I am able to be a mother. I am impatient and this option means I don’t have to wait.

There is no right time to start trying again. We’ll figure it out soon enough and be ready to celebrate being pregnant all over again.

Image by whatmegsaid (flickr)

 The doctors say to wait a month before trying again, but when is it safe for me. When will I be emotionally ready to face to possibility of going through it all again. All the uncertainty, the pain, the joy, the emotional ups and downs, the surprises, the changes, the growth. When will it be safe for me to enter that obstacle course again?

When will it be safe for Ben too. He was my guide, my helper, my spotter as I tackled each obstacle and at times  he had to come into the course with me and hold my hand through it all. When I fell he was the one who caught me and carried me out. It was a draining experience for us both. We both need to regain our strength before we try again but when will it be safe again?

Is there such a thing as a safe time to try again?

Is there such a thing as being safe or do we close our eyes, take the plunge, jump into the water and hope we don’t sink again? There are precautions we can take, instead of taking the first dive headfirst we can ease ourselves in, look at safety measures, wear a floatie and jump in with eyes wide open, but even then the idea of it being completely safe doesn’t really exist.

I want to dive in again but I’m scared of what is under the waves. I could come out bruised and beaten again or I could come out with so much more, it’s taking the chance which is the hardest step. When will it be safe for me so as to be safe for the baby and safe for Ben, after all we are all in this together, one family ready to dive in and take a chance not knowing what the outcome will be.

I guess too there is a lesson in there about parenting in general. You can take all the precautions, you can make everything as safe as you possibly can but in the end kids are still going to fall over, they are still going to get hurt, they are still going to cry. We can’t protect them from the world without removing them from it and in the end isn’t it better for them to have a life rather than just be a life. I understand that parents don’t want anything bad to happen to their children but the error is there to not let anything happen.

Safe may not exist but safer does and for the moment we need the time to heal and make things safer.

Image by = xAv = () (Flickr)