Posts Tagged ‘unhappy’
I opened it and the result is….
I didn’t get in.
I waited until Ben got home at about 2:30 in the afternoon before I opened the letter. We both sat in the lounge room and decided that it would probably be better for my sanity if I opened the letter right away than spend the next five days wondering what is inside, especially as more and more notices were appearing on facebook of people in my course who had been accepted in the Bachelor of Music.
I opened it and read the first line. The tone wasn’t right. It wasn’t uplifting or exciting. I knew right away what I was holding, it was a rejection letter. A cold, emotionless rejection letter. There was no reason for me not being offered a place, no explanation of why they hadn’t said yes, just a paragraph and a half thanking me for my audition and the line “we are not able to offer you a place in this program at the current time”. I looked at the letter. I looked at Ben. I looked at the letter again and then burst into tears. I was crushed.
I couldn’t understand it. I had worked hard all year. I had done extra performances. I had practiced more than any other person in the course. How could I not get in? It didn’t seem fair or right. I couldn’t comprehend it and all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and disappear from the world. I felt like such a failure.
It wasn’t until that moment that I realised how much I had wanted that life. I wanted to sing every day and I wanted to learn. It didn’t seem fair that a letter could change the direction of my entire life.
I went through the next few days broken hearted. I felt empty inside and it was hard to stay focused on the exam. I went through swinging emotions of “I don’t give a shit about this damn exam. They’ve already made up their mind that I’m not good enough.” to “I’m going to show them what they missed out on. I am going to practise so hard they are going to beg me to be in the course.” I did practise and I did work incredibly hard on my exam pieces. I also spent long periods of time crying in bed, eating marshmallows and watching crappy television.
The day before my exam I found out that we would be singing in the Music Auditorium for the exams. This is without a doubt my favourite place to sing. With this idea in mind, a sort of farewell to university, I went to that exam more prepared than ever. I wore my favourite dress and shoes, I had my hair and make-up done nicely and I went in there thinking about nothing other than singing my best and performing for an auditorium full of no-one, but imagined it was full of my friends. I felt amazing and it was the best singing I had ever produced in my lifetime. The best part was I had done it for me and not some audition panel. This was my moment to say goodbye and move on.
Image by castorgirl (Flickr)
These last few weeks have been hard. I have been sick, I have had major issues at school, I am anxious and stressed. It all exploded not last Tuesday but the one before when after getting spots (like I had before the wedding) I then had a break down at school. The last post I made on here was a whinge about how I had been effectively kicked out of the English department and as a result I was starting to feel less and less like I belong.
I guess I have always felt like I belonged. I have gone through school, work, social clubs, friendship groups, always feeling like I had a place there. The first time I really felt like I didn’t belong was last year when I went to Singapore. Now that feeling is back. I don’t really fit in at school and I guess the whole kicking out of the English department has further cemented that feeling. Last week I missed three days of school to “stress leave” and am now only just starting to feel comfortable at school again.
I am also attributing some of the stress to the anxious waiting about Singapore. For the past two weeks I have been able to console myself with the thought that it was only early August so I wouldn’t know about the job yet, but as of two days ago I have been able to say that “Okay, now it actually is getting into late August. Why haven’t they called yet?”. Every day that goes past adds more to my increasing anxiety that maybe I wasn’t as good as I thought I was at the audition and the jobs have already been handed out and I don’t even know it yet. It is made even worse by the thought that I will be the first one to know if I do have the job whereas Ben will be the first to know if I don’t because he is the only one who has any contacts with other auditionees. It sucks.
So sickness, stress and anxiety and making for a very difficult time for me at the moment. At least I have Fiddler on the Roof rehearsals to keep my mind off things and keep me smiling.
Image by Jenser (Flikr)
I’m bored with where I am and what I am doing with my life at the moment. My days are fairly predictable and the result is I am in a constant struggle with myself for what I want to do. I’m getting depressed quite easily and I can’t seem to find a way out of it. When I am in a good mood or when I actually take the time to look at what I am doing I realise that things aren’t as bad as they seem but very soon I start with the internal struggle again. I want to be doing something else I just don’t know what or how.
What am I doing?
I was at this point last year too. I was sick and tired of teaching and wanted to do something different. I found out about studying in Singapore and thought that I had solved my dilemma. The problem was that I hadn’t counted on homesickness or the overwhelming feeling I had that Singapore was too much too soon.
After I returned I floated around a lot. I was still confused and didn’t know what I was doing. Then I got pregnant and suddenly I had something to work towards again. Sure it was unexpected and completely unplanned, but it felt right. I had direction.
Now I feel like I am in the same position I was in at the start of last year. Teaching again, not completely fulfilled with what I am doing and looking for something “more”. My frustrations aren’t helping me to decide what direction to take next, instead I seem to be more consumed with focusing on my frustrations.
So how do I get rid of the frustration, decide what I want to do next and remain positive and happy? In a world of choices I have too many to decide on one. I need someone to point the way, but then I want to know where I am going. I feel like I am being torn into little pieces, between where I am and where all the possibilities of life can take me.
Image by SAMUEL TRIP (flikr)
Two of my friend’s have had babies in the last week and another has told me that he is expecting his first in six months time. This should be the happiest news in the world but with each announcement I have been completely floored.
The first thing that has crept into my mind with each announcement has been something negative. With the arrival of Ella last week I couldn’t stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong now that she is here. Again today at the arrival of Tate, all I could do was pray that he is okay and will make his parents so happy. When I heard about the pregnancy, running through my head was all the events that unfolded in our twelfth week, and a prayer that they don’t experience the same thing.
Why?
Why am I doing this?
Why are these thoughts overtaking me?
Why aren’t I or can’t I do anything to stop them?
The worst thing is that I am honestly happy for these new parents but am finding the sincerity from me lacking. Looking at the baby photos, reading about what they are going through and seeing the looks on their faces all I want to do is be 100% happy but I am finding it so difficult.
When will the hurt go away? Will it ever go away?
I feel ridiculous being unhappy after so many months, like I am unjustified somehow in feeling this way. Part of me feels like I should have let go already while another part almost knows I will never completely let go.
Image by Luke Edmonds of his first baby boy Tate
My posts lately have been a little all over the shop and a little more spaced out than I would have liked. I made a New Year’s intention (rather than resolution cause they never seem to work and I get too hard on myself if I don’t follow through) to post three new posts a week and this past week i have fallen a little short. I have a reason rather than an excuse and I am attempting to make up for it by posting more now, I’ve been working nights which are exhausting in themselves and I have been sick.
The last month i have been unhappy in my job. I feel like I am exhausted all the time, i seem to get in trouble every second shift and I don’t really know who I can trust at work as I know people have already ‘dobbed’ on me for things I didn’t even do (and yes I mean every sense of the word dobbed, it is like working with children sometimes). The result of all this has been a lot of stress and the resultant illness manifesting itself in a barrage of mouth ulcers (in two weeks I have had ten in total covering all parts of my mouth, cheeks, lips, gums, tongue and throat).
Work isn’t meant to be like this. I have always had the philosophy that work should not be why you live but rather should help you to live the way you want. As the old saying goes “Work to live, don’t live to work”. So I have decided to do something about it. I need to get out of this hurtful environment and into something that is going to make me happy again. I am sick of being miserable and being miserable is making me sick.
I need to start looking at my life and stop doing things that make me unhappy. If I don’t make that commitment now then how can I ever expect to feel good about myself again and ultimately how can I be healthy enough to be pregnant again (after all this is what this blog is about).
